"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it."--Maya Angelou---
Anxiety, also known as the fight-or-flight response, is our bodies way of showing us that something within our current situation needs to change. It is the most common mental illness in the United States, and is all too often accompanied by depression, another familiar condition bewildering millions. Our ancestors used this same fight-or-flight response to their advantage, utilizing their careful thinking and problem solving skills in becoming well prepared for winter and warding off unwanted animal attacks. While it is normal for everyone to experience occasional anxiety, when more recurrent bouts of unwelcome, intense feelings rear their ugly head, it can be a sign of anxiety disorder. Panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorders, nervous behaviors, social anxiety disorders, and a wide range of phobias are some of the most frequent symptoms exhibited when people suffer from this crippling affliction. While doctor's are still unsure of the exact cause of anxiety; stress, genetics, and traumatic life events seem to be highest on the list of contributing factors, reported by those who suffer with them. When sudden unexpected events occur, such as: loss of a loved one, a failed relationship, a traumatic life event, sickness, or bad business deal, we are often left confused and brokenhearted, with our feelings meandering wildly.
The torment that comes along with generalized anxiety and panic attacks is a topic very close to my heart, as not too long ago, I struggled day and night with unsettling feelings of fear, despair, trepidation...and the list went on and on. I found myself trapped in misery, as I agonized incessantly, desperately searching for a solution to the growing turmoil inside me. In this post, I will focus on my own battle with these fits of terror and methods used to overcome them for good!
My battle with disquietude started when my son, Maurice, was first hospitalized. Our entire world was turned upside down and everything I knew no longer made sense. My first born, lied in the ICU, on Life Support, fighting for his life and I was thrust into an emotional, mental, and physical state which was unfamiliar, to say the least. I was focused on being the best mother I could be for Maurice and my other children, and didn't have time nor the energy to worry about my worsening apprehension. The ups and downs encountered throughout the ICU, Rehab., Life coming home from Rehab., and the journey we embarked on from that point forward were the most perplexing and trying times of my life, but I was determined to stay in faith, finding a way for the shattered pieces to all fit again. I knew I couldn't let my perturbation get the best of me, but over the years, despite diligently working to get a handle on it, the symptoms got harder to control. A war was going on inside myself, and I was trying with all my might to not let it prevail. It never affected my ability to take care of the children, but it was definitely impacting my life on a continual basis.
The restless nights were the worse. I would excessively worry about the future and Maurice getting better. I went days without being able to sleep. The worry turned into unrelenting fear, which plagued my mind. I was incessantly scared my other children would get hurt or something might happen to me. I felt as if I had no control over anything and was completely powerless.
I can't even recall the number of times I called my grandma or aunt when having a panic attack. I would wake up sweating and breathing sporadically, feeling as though my heart was going to pound through my chest. They would talk me through it, and then I would toss and turn for hours, trying to get back to sleep.
On several occasions, I called the nurses in the E.R. in the middle of the night, fearing something was wrong with me. Sometimes, it felt as if my entire left side would go completely numb. Convinced I was having a heart attack, my aunt would come drive me to the hospital while my dad watched the kids. They would perform many tests and always had the same diagnosis of stress and anxiety.
I'd ask God to please take my fear away. I didn't want to live like this and was petrified my mind was spiraling out of control. I'd sit and cry while everyone was asleep, knowing I had to get control over my thoughts. Even though my dad and aunts knew what was going on, I had never actually talked about my feelings in depth with them. I chose to finally open up.
My dad wanted me to be strong and tried his best to build me up. He assured me I could handle anything and that exercise was key to taking my mind off of everything. The last thing I felt like doing at that time, though, was working out. My aunts urged me to see a doctor and felt maybe anxiety medication was the best option. I greatly appreciated their opinions, but considering the reaction my baby had to the Flu Shot, I wasn't a big fan of medications and opted to work on it myself.
I prayed for God to let me live without the unsettling worries, implemented breathing techniques, a little bit of exercise, positive thinking, and actually put myself in 'uncomfortable situations' at times, just so I could see that everything would be okay and my fears wouldn't come true. I also started a journal, writing down my inner most thoughts and goals for the future. The symptoms fluctuated---decreasing for a few months, returning, and then diminishing again.
I held fast that God would turn things around. After all, He knows us inside and out and could conquer anything. I laid at night reciting Psalms 139:1-3 (NIV) "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways."
Ultimately, I had to work very hard to control the debilitating effects of my anxiety. Although the previous methods I implemented were a great start, it wasn't until I completely gave all my worries and trust over to God, that I experienced total relief, peace and comfort from my symptoms. I knew I must rise out of my own ashes and get my enthusiasm for life back. Even though my son was now permanently disabled and so much around me had changed, there was still so much beauty, lessons, miracles, and happiness to be seen and discovered...but I was blind to them until I trusted in God wholeheartedly! One of the lessons I have been taught through our plight is God will always protect us. He hates to see his children hurting, and when you stay in faith, He will deliver you from your burdens.
It's easy to go through life living in our disappointments, set backs, and regrets...but when we stay focused on the past, we can't fulfill God's plan for our future! We are stronger than we think and must use the adversity in our life to help others. God would have never allowed the obstacles to come in our lives, if He didn't have a plan to bring us out victorious, better, and happier than ever before! If you stay in faith during your times of greatest suffering, God will take those fears that once controlled you and turn them into part of your testimony to thrust others out of their darkest hours! Thank you for reading this very special post and I will close with a quote from the well known Swiss- American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
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