AUTHENTICITY?!?

Do you ever feel that you’re wearing a mask or smothering who you really are? Well, you aren’t alone. Thousands of people do the same thing every day (and you may just not notice because hey, they’re doing a great job of hiding it). Why do we hide from ourselves? Perhaps the most common reason is for approval: we all want to be liked, right? And, with the rise of social media and other online “masks,” it’s fairly easy to create a false perception of ourselves. Maybe we believe it’ll bring us happiness, or something along those lines. The truth of the matter is, we are all unique individuals and embracing who we truly are is probably one of the most liberating things we can do for ourselves. Even renowned psychologist Carl Jung once stated that “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

There’s the day-to-day stifling- when we stop ourselves from saying or doing something because we are afraid of another’s judgment. Unless it’s harmful to another person (following the whole “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” rule we’ve all heard), there’s no reason why you should minimize your own feelings because of someone else: “Don’t try to please others at the expense of your values and your integrity. 

At the end of the day, you want to like yourself when you look in a mirror” (Millen Livis). A common example of this is in schools, when a child will go against what he/she feels is right in order to fit in with a group. Adults exhibit the same behavior. Being inauthentic doesn’t just harm us, it can harm others (directly or indirectly).

Another way of suffocating one’s self involves wishing we were more (or entirely) like someone else. Today, we tend to compare ourselves to what we see on t.v. or social media, even if we know it’s not realistic. 9 times out of 10, when we measure ourselves in this way, we come up short. “Ah,” we sigh, “I wish I could be more like that…” But what does being more like “that” accomplish? I’m guilty of this, but I don’t have an answer for it, either. 

What I do know is that once you become “more like that,” you’re still dissatisfied. There will always be something just beyond your reach, another “that” to aspire towards. It’s as though you’re chasing something that’s forever out of reach, which is a silly way to spend one’s time. “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are”- there is no one else in the world like you, so why stifle yourself?

As it turns out, pretending to be someone we aren’t can have some serious side effects on our health: “If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief” (Brene Brown). It may take some time and practice, but only you can stop minimizing your feelings, speak up when your gut tells you to, and learn to love the things that are amazing about you.

                                                  

THE POWER OF RESILIENCE

You may have heard the old proverb “Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.” We all get knocked down at some point, unfortunately it’s a part of life. Resilience is defined as “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” You may also know it as “grit.” Oftentimes, resilience is something we recognize more in others and fail to see in ourselves. It’s also something that must be tested. You can’t truly know whether you’re resilient or not unless you’ve endured some hardships and persevered. After all, “a calm sea never made a skilled sailor.”

We know all the Hall of Famers and the Nobel Prize winners, those who have triumphed in the face of adversity. But guess what? They often failed just as many times as they succeeded. They endured heartbreak and doubt along the way- but they managed to gather themselves and keep pushing forward. Babe Ruth didn’t hit every pitch that came across the plate, but he kept swinging (so to speak): “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” You never really know when your home run is going to happen, but you do have to have faith that eventually, you’ll hit the ball again.

There will be a time in your life when you are completely blind-sided- when a seemingly normal day suddenly flips, and you feel as though the wind has been knocked out of you. From experience, I can tell you that for awhile, it seemed like I was stumbling along, not sure of where I was going, or on the really bad days, wondering if there was any point in pushing forward. Doubt doesn’t creep in- it has dropped from the sky like a cartoon piano, and you question everything you thought you knew. It’s was at this point in time that I started to rely on my faith to guide me: 2 Corinthians 5:1 “I will walk by faith even when I cannot see.” It really gives a whole new meaning to “blind faith,” doesn’t it? When you’re feeling this down, this is the time to dig deep and have faith that no matter what happens next, you will be okay: “However long the night, the dawn will break” (African Proverb).

The thing is, life is full of peaks and valleys, and some will simply be easier to push through than others. Whatever it is that you have gone through, are going through, or will go through, you will come out on the other side. And then, at some point, things will feel low and dark again. The cycle is going to continue, and it’s so much easier once you accept that the world will keep moving and changing- whether you want to or not. Resilient people may not like change, but they learn to move with it, or roll with the punches Even famous biologist Charles Darwin recognized resilience as the most important survival skill in any species: “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” You are stronger than you know- have faith and push on!

                                                        

LESSONS OF MOTHERHOOD

As a mother, I can say that there is no greater blessing than my children (and every mother I know will tell you the same thing). From day one, you learn to put their needs first, to feel their pain as well as their happiness. And, despite all the advice and guidebooks about parenting and motherhood, there’s no real book out there with THE answers, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Children (Unabridged). I like to think that we all do the best we can with what we’re given, and that  is what being a good mother looks like. In honor of the day, this post is dedicated to a few lessons motherhood has blessed me with:

Selflessness. As a parent, your needs move to the back of the line, whether this means loss of sleep in the early days as you comfort a crying infant, taking on a second job to make ends meet, pushing your personal hobbies or passions to the backburner to give your child your full attention- these are some common sacrifices made by the average mother. A parent truly understands that “Life isn’t about getting and having, it’s about giving and being” (Kevin Kruse).

Accomplishment. If you talk to someone who has graduated, run a marathon, or reached any sort of goal that they’ve been striving toward, they will often tell you the same thing: all the hard work, the proverbial “blood, sweat, and tears,” were all worth it in the end. Motherhood feels a lot like that. I wholeheartedly agree that “Motherhood is the most challenging as well as the utmost satisfying vocation in this world” (Nite Ambani). You offer your children lessons and all your love, and yet, you have to accept at a certain point that they are autonomous beings that you can’t control/protect forever, and must hope that you’ve given them all the tools they’ll need to pave their own way.

Empathy. “Motherhood was the great equaliser for me; I started to identify with everybody...as a mother, you have that impulse to wish that no child should ever be hurt, or abused, or go hungry, or not have opportunities in life” (Annie Lennox). This idea extends beyond children- when you get down to it, we’re all someone’s daughter or son. Every one of us has a mother. For me, it took becoming a mother to fully appreciate this sentiment.

Perseverance. The greatest lie I’ve ever heard told to a new parent: “It gets easier as they get older.” Easier? Compared to what? Instead, I’d revise this statement to say that the work doesn’t get “easier,” but it changes in nature. You move from diapers and teething to coordinating after-school obligations and homework to dating and driving to college...even just thinking about it all can be exhausting. But, somehow, you adjust and learn to pull through all of this: “Motherhood is wonderful, but it’s also hard work. It’s the logistics more than anything. You discover you have reserves of energy you didn’t know you had” (Deborah Mailman).

Of course, this is only a glimpse of the lessons I’ve learned as a mother. What is the greatest lesson? Unconditional love- but, this is something better explained through feeling rather than writing

 

                                             

MIRACLE OF LIFE

When you hear the word “miracle,” what comes to mind? It’s a subjective word, so everyone has a different answer based on their experience and perceptions. We all tend to agree on the “large scale” miracles- walking on water, mothers lifting cars, people (and pets) returning home after being presumed dead, and so on. But I’ve found it’s how we perceive the smaller scale miracles, that is, the miracles in the everyday, that directly affect our joy and appreciation of life.

With the things that are possible today in terms of education and technology, it’s so easy to become cynical and take certain things for granted, including the very fact that we are alive. We’ve come to expect 2-day shipping when we purchase something online, not considering such a thing was inconceivable 100, or even 10, years ago. Watching incredibly advanced graphics on a screen in high-definition often takes priority over seeing something in real life. It’s no wonder many of us have grown disenchanted with the world around us.

Part of this may have something to do with the monotony of schedules and the feeling that we’re “just getting by.”  “You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It’s just a matter of paying attention to this miracle” (Paulo Coehlo). It’s true- when we put on our blinders, the world loses its colors and we move through days on autopilot. Things must be really grand and spectacular in order to stand out and grab our attention, otherwise they go by unnoticed and unappreciated. Albert Einstein once said “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” If you could choose, which would you pick?

I believe many of us would choose to see the miracle in everything and in each moment: “To me, every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle” (Walt Whitman). You don’t have to be a poet or a dreamer to find the beauty in everything, nor do you have to be a survivor of a traumatic event to know how to appreciate each sunrise, each breath. There’s no limit- nothing can stop you! “To be alive, to be able to see, to walk...it’s all a miracle. I have adapted the technique of living life from miracle to miracle” (Arthur Rubinstein)

Today, I’m able to see and be blessed by the miracle of life. Being surrounded by my children has been incredibly beneficial to me. As they grow, I’ve been granted the gift of seeing the world anew through their eyes, as they grow and interact with the world. As much as I wanted to be spiteful and angry at the world for my oldest son’s experience, he endured, and continues to thrive.

It’s profoundly amazing when you think about how, of all the ways things could have gone, for reasons beyond our comprehension, everything happened exactly the way it did, so that you, me, and everyone else arrived here in the world. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is!

 

                                               

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO 'DESERVE' THIS???

“What have I done to deserve this?”

We’ve all had this thought at some point or another in our lives- whether about something good or something bad. The idea of “deserving” and fixating on this notion is a recipe for resentment, disappointment, and sadness. In believing we deserve something (be it an object or circumstance), we assign the labels of “good” or “bad” to ourselves. This affects how we interact with the world and our perception of our role within it. This post is about the danger of “deserving” and shifting toward acceptance.

When something bad happens, people will often either take the stance of “What have I done to deserve this” or “Of course, this is happening because I deserve it.” Both of these thoughts can be damaging. They invite the “I am a victim” stance on the world. Unfortunately, once we develop this relationship with our surroundings, it gets perpetuated and becomes a difficult pattern to alter. But how? It involves a perception shift from thinking about bad experiences as opportunities for growth, rather than punishments (and yes, it is a tough pill to swallow at first). After all, “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you” (Mary Tyler Moore). Difficult situations are never intended to break or destroy, but to give us an opportunity to see how strong and capable we really are- what other way is there to discover this? “Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it” (Buddha). The blessing may be that in facing a difficult situation, you overcome a fear that has held you back in the past. After, you migh be able to face other situations without this fear, knowing that you have already defeated it.

On the other hand, there are those who question when good things come their way, wondering what they have done to deserve such good fortune. Or, they are perhaps skeptical that a situation is too good to be true. Again, this isn’t something for us to judge- “God never made a promise that was too good to be true” (Dwight L. Moody). If your life is being rewarded, accept that it is happening for a reason beyond your control. A force greater than yourself believes that you are deserving, and that is enough. A common response to situations that seem to good to be true is self-sabotage, where a person will ruin a situation (consciously or unconsciously) because he/she is so utterly convinced of being unworthy of anything beautiful or good.

When you feel that something is a punishment or reward, remember that there is a reason for everything, even if you don’t understand what it is yet. As Idina Menzel has said, “Things happen for a reason, and in their own time.” For anyone whose children love Frozen, she also said (or, more appropriately, sang) “Let it go” and it isn’t bad advice. It’s also pretty catchy. Good, bad, or indifferent-there is a purpose for everything that happens in your life-stay strong and have a little faith.                            

 

                                                                

 

THE MEANING OF JOY

“If all you did was just look around for things to appreciate, you would live a joyous, spectacular life” Abraham Hicks

I have written about gratitude before, and it only makes sense to write about joy, too, since they go hand in hand. When we think about all the things we are grateful for in our lives, the end result is often a feeling of joy. When we are joyful, expressing gratitude becomes easy and effortless. The two create a reinforcing cycle of positivity, when you experience one the other often follows. Learning to cultivate both will allow you to create a “joyous, spectacular life.”

First, what is joy? It is defined as “an intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness, or an instance of such a feeling.” Joy does not necessarily need to be felt with such a force. It can be more of a slow, simmering feeling that builds up and gathers strength as it goes. It can also be maintained for a long period of time-a lifetime even, rather than cycles of becoming  bright and hot too fast and burning out. One way to maintain joy is to identify sources of joy in your life.

What brings you joy? As I suggested with cultivating gratitude, create a “joy list” as a way to actively cultivate joy. This can be anything that lifts you up or makes you smile (a recommended starting point is at least five). If you can, try to make them “big picture” items (as opposed to “I’m really thirsty and a glass of water would bring me joy at this moment). In spite of hardships in my life, there are still plenty of things to be joyful of. My family and my faith, for starters: “You have filled my heart with greater joy” (Psalm 4:7). Recognizing what expands upon our joy and writing it down allows us to have a physical reminder to revisit. In less joyful times, this list can be a way to help maintain joy, in spite of what is happening around us.   

What many of us don’t realize- or take the ‘long way’ in discovering- is that joy is an entirely internal state, independent of external circumstances. Whether you get a lottery ticket or a parking ticket does not need to dictate your joy level (or lack thereof). Joy may not come easily at first, in fact, for many people it doesn’t. Like anything in life, it is a practice that requires some work. Many of us get stuck in a routine, a search for constant improvement, and we become wired to constantly get better, reach the next level, never settle. There’s always something more for us to do, be, or have, just beyond our reach. Part of joy is learning to be content with where we are now, otherwise we’ll push it aside, saying “I can be joyful when I reach this next point in my life. That’s when it will be ok.”

Joy can be as easy or as difficult as we make it. If you find yourself putting your pursuit of a joyful life aside for other items on your “to-do” list, consider this proverb: “The body heals with play, the mind heals with laughter and the spirit heals with joy.” Maybe, with a little joy, you can reach goals you’d never believed attainable.

                                                      

 

 

DIVINE MESSAGES

Throughout history, we’ve heard incredible stories of people who have received divine messages from a being beyond themselves, giving them the courage and direction to perform a great feat. There’s Moses and the burning bush, Joan of Arc, and English artist William Blake, to name a few. In fact, the idea of divine inspiration still fascinates us today, as it has a place in our pop culture with movies like Angels in the Outfield. These people are all different nationalities, ages, gender, and yet they have something in common: they were open to receiving a divine message. They may have initially had fear and resisted action at first, but there was a greater force inside of them that granted them the ability to hear. Here is an even greater secret: we all have that ability.

Here’s an analogy using modern technology. We are all like phones, capable of sending and receiving calls. However, some of us may have voicemails that are more full than others. These past messages may be old ideas, insecurities or beliefs that are taking up space. What happens when you don’t clean out the old messages in your voicemail? It fills up, and you can’t receive any new messages. Until you clear out whatever is spiritually blocking you, you won’t be able to receive any new messages. Do your best to clear out those old messages, and if something or someone is keeping you tied up on the other line, you may need to hang up. As author Paulo Coelho says, “If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.”

I’d also like to express the importance of opening yourself to receiving messages without constantly expecting one. There is a balance between keeping your ears, heart and mind open to receive without looking for meaning in everything. If you try to make everything you see into some sort of sign, you become distracted and ultimately block yourself from receiving new messages. The messages you look for do not work like a magic 8 ball that you can ask whether or not you should buy a certain pair of shoes or what you should eat for lunch.

You may encounter something difficult or find yourself at a crossroads, with no idea which path to choose. These are the moments when we are most likely to crave some sort of sign or message- and become impatient when it does not arrive on our time. I am definitely guilty of this impatience. But, doesn’t it defeat the purpose to have these signs available to us at the snap of our fingers? To be able to just say “Okay, Universe, I need you to tell me which way to go now” and get a clear, instant answer. Signs are much more powerful when our own influence is absent from them.

The bottom line: keep your “lines open,” be it through prayer, meditation, or whatever works best for you, and don’t force it.  Be open to receiving and “Believe with all your heart that you will do what you were made to do”( Orson Swett Marden), and more will be revealed.

 

                                                  

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