COPING WITH TRAGEDY

“Hate. It has caused a lot of problems in the world, but it has not solved a one yet” -Maya Angelou

There’s a lot of madness going on around the world, our country, and sometimes even our own backyards. It can be a tough pill to swallow, and even more difficult to have conversations about tragic events to young children. In light of recent events, here are some ideas on coping with events and teaching our children to do the same.

For many people, being proactive is an important part of making sense of and overcoming tragedy. Rather than staying stuck in the past, or the problem, becoming proactive helps you look for a solution and focus on the things you can change. It also forces you out of your own head, which is important to tap into but is easy to get stuck in during periods of grieving. Volunteering or reaching out to others are great ways to do this.

It’s okay to grieve. While there’s certainly something to be said for “going through the motions,” bottling your emotions hinders your recovery process from a tragic event. Feel what you need to feel, without judgement. If you have kids, allowing yourself to do this encourages them to grieve as well. Another important part of the process is allowing others to help you if you need it. Many of us feel the need to shoulder our burdens and grief, isolating them for fear that they will spread and contaminate the lives of others. It’s a normal fear, but unnecessary. If these people were struggling, you would want to help them in some way- so let them help you if they offer.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers-so many caring people in this world” (Fred Rogers). Remember that for all the grief and terrible events that occur, both isolated and everyday, that there are good people in the world who are willing to help. That’s one of the only things that restores faith in humanity and the world- remembering and being able to find the truly good things. And in times of confusion, it’s a good for children to understand that when there is bad, there is just as much good surrounding us.

When something tragic happens on a larger scale, it can make our individual efforts feel almost insignificant. Who cares if I donated a pint of blood? What difference does my volunteer work make? No one person can save the whole world, but our individual efforts do add up. And when it comes down to it, the most important thing you can do is surround yourself with the people you love at home, because the world always needs more love: “What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family” (Mother Teresa).

TIPS ON BECOMING RESILIENT

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it”- Margaret Thatcher

Everyone has a bad day, or a series of bad days, once in awhile. It’s all a part of life. Resilience is our ability to bounce back from these unavoidable setbacks and “get back on the saddle.” Like the Margaret Thatcher quote above suggests, when you encounter a challenge or obstacle, you may not be successful on the first try. At times, it probably feels like you’re stuck in a repetitive loop having to deal with the same problem more than once. Part of being resilient is being able to come back to a battle more than once, and being ok with the fact that you might have to lose once in awhile. If you don’t consider yourself among the resilient, the good news is that many of the characteristics of resilient people can be obtained with a bit work!

Acceptance might be the most important part of resilience, and the part that is easier said than done. It takes a lot of work to be comfortable with the knowledge that some things are beyond our control. The truth is, even though we work hard and try to do the next right thing, we aren’t the ones running the show. We truly only have control over ourselves and our own actions.

Another piece of acceptance is having faith that, even if we don’t have control, that it will all be okay. Again, this might feel unfamiliar to many people at first (like being spiritually blindfolded). Every now and then, you’re not going to feel very positive. Life might be throwing a lot at you at once. You don’t have to be at your best all the time- remember that it’s okay not to be okay every now and then.

“It’s not the load that breaks you, it’s the way you carry it” (Lena Horne).

Although it may seem like resilient people are independently strong, they usually have a strong support group that helps them through the difficult times. Part of being resilient is knowing that as individuals, we don’t have all the answers, and someone else might be able to help if we let them. Have you ever told a friend something difficult or painful, and felt physically lighter because of it? Powerful feelings and emotions can weigh us down. Life’s burdens are less likely to break us if we distribute the weight across multiple people rather than trying to shoulder them all ourselves.

“Failure is a bruise not a tattoo” (Jon Sinclair). Another important component of resilience is perspective. Is the glass half full or half empty? Resilient people don’t tell themselves “I can’t” or view situations as impossible to handle. They also tend to look at difficulties as an opportunity for growth. It sounds a bit “out there,” but remember, I said these qualities required a bit of work! Situations may appear different if we step away for a little bit. It may also be an opportunity to ask someone else for their perspective- you never know what wisdom another person has to offer.

Resilience isn’t built in a day. Sure, some people make it look easy but these are skills that everyone can develop with a bit of practice and patience.

THE COURAGE TO CHANGE

"You never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore”

We’ve discussed how hard it can be to start new habits before. The other day, I was thinking to myself (and now to all of you), what about the opposite? What about quitting bad habits? When the day comes when you finally realize that a certain behavior is no longer serving its purpose in your life, it can be hard to let go. Sometimes, breaking an old habit can be harder than starting a new one! In the spirit of the season, think of this post as spring cleaning for the soul.

Why is it so hard to break a habit? Part of it is directly related to the brain and creating conditioned responses to situations. For instance, if something stressful happens and your reaction is to smoke a cigarette, that will eventually become your default setting. So, when you try to quit smoking and something stressful happens, you’re going to have a bit of a struggle fighting that knee-jerk reaction. When faced with this difficulty of breaking a conditioned response, many people waver. Another reason it can be hard to break an unhealthy habit is fear. Once we let go of this unhealthy habit, what’s on the other side? It may very well be health and happiness, but we don’t have any guarantee. We do, however, know what happens when we continue with our unhealthy behavior. It’s reliable. It’s helpful to remember, no matter how terrifying the unknown may seem, that there’s a an opportunity for a beautiful transformation on the other side. This little bit always gives me a surge of hope: “How does one become a butterfly?” “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

Having an unhealthy habit doesn’t make you any less loveable or undeserving as anyone else. Just because you smoke or have a tendency to eat too much sweet food doesn’t make you a terrible person. If you approach habit-breaking from a place of self love rather than self loathing, it changes things. The following quote from Sally Hogshead is a great reminder to eliminate shame from your attitude about yourself/your habits: “The goal is not to change who you are, but to become more of who you are at your best”

To change requires a great deal of courage. It’s not easy to let go of something that has acted as a crutch or distraction, even if it’s detrimental to your well-being. It’ll be difficult at first, while you retrain yourself to find a new approaches to old situations, and you probably won’t get it right on the first try. Keep trying, because it’s never too late to start over: “I hope you live a life you're proud of and, if you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again” (F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button).

SELFLESS GIVING

“As we give, we find that sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven, and in the end, we learn that it was no sacrifice at all” -Spencer W. Kimball

Easter was a couple weekends ago, and although it’s gone by, it’s still a great time to reflect on the nature of the holiday (that is, the idea of self-sacrifice and giving). Our society tends to be turned in toward ourselves, our own wants, desires, and egos, that before we agree to any sort of commitment, we first ask ourselves “What’s in it for me?” I say “tends to,” because this is by no means true of everyone or every situation people encounter. Sometimes, it isn’t even necessarily a conscious thought- rather, it’s something that lingers in the back of the mind as we come to a decision. Easter, for me, is a reflection on giving for the sake of giving. The best gift is the one that asks for nothing in return.

This particular type of giving is, when it boils down to it, the definition of selflessness. Whether we’re giving someone a thoughtful gift, a visit, a hand with moving, or even just a phone call, it may be a good idea to think about why we’re doing it. Is there an ulterior motive behind what you’re doing? Creating awareness is the first step in making any sort of change. Even if you realize you have an agenda that you weren’t aware of before (i.e. “Showing support for this event will help me gain some popularity”), it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow through (generally, keeping commitments is the more important consideration). We’re not always going to be perfectly, 100% selfless all the time, but it helps to remember the true purpose of giving back is to positively affect another human being: “I don't think you ever stop giving. I really don't. I think it's an on-going process. And it's not just about being able to write a check. It's being able to touch somebody's life” (Oprah Winfrey).

Although Easter focuses on the idea of the ultimate sacrifice, it doesn’t have to be a matter of life and death. You don’t need to be rich, famous, or powerful in order to give back. Simply being present and offering your full attention to someone or a situation is enough. Just offer what you can, even if it’s your smile: “Be helpful. When you see a person without a smile, give them yours”- Zig Ziglar. Small gestures can be just as fulfilling as grand gestures- and just as appreciated.
What are some ways you can think of to give for the sake of giving- whether it’s a group, community, or specific person? Even though Easter has come and gone, it’s always a good time to give! You will always get something in return: people who give back tend to be happier: “Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more” (H. Jackson Brown, Jr). Start giving and getting happy!

THOUGHTS ON EXPRESSING GRATITUDE

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, it is the parent of all others”- Cicero

Gratitude lists and journals are often suggested as a “pick me up” for people to get out of their own head. It’s a great exercise, and many people report that it works. The idea is to actively acknowledge what we are grateful for, which will help bring those positive feelings to our awareness and shift our mindset from the negative to the positive. Doing something every day to express gratitude- whether it’s using a gratitude journal, calling someone to thank them for their presence in your life, or simply saying “thank you” can help shift your mood.

The first step in expressing gratitude is to tap into the things you are grateful for, no matter how simple or trivial. Like anything else, this might require a bit of practice, and if you’re having a particularly difficult time in general, it may take a bit more work.

The next step is to find a way to channel it: “Gratitude requires awareness and effort not only to feel it but to express it” Bonnie D. Parkin. Some ideas for expressing gratitude include journaling, writing a letter, making a phone call, or paying it forward somehow. Gratitude journals have gained a lot of popularity recently (after all, Oprah has one!). If you decide to go that route, it’s recommended to make an entry 1-3 times a week. It doesn’t necessarily need to be an every day thing. Be diligent but don’t make it a chore- otherwise you risk making it a chore. You should set aside some time each day to write in your gratitude journal, but give yourself a range of items rather than a set amount (like 3-5). If you have more, great- don’t put a cap on it!

Why express gratitude? Anne Lamott explains it in this quote: “Gratitude is peace.” Having and showing gratitude have been linked to increased positive feelings, including optimism. In the wake of a terrible day, just being aware that you have a few things to be grateful for can give you a surge of good feelings- enough to know that it will all turn out alright, no matter what is happening at this moment: “When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change” (Dr. Wayne Dyer). Expressing gratitude can also increase our feelings of interconnectedness. No matter what method you choose- writing, praying, speaking to another- you sometimes experience a surge of compassion for certain people in your life. If that’s the case, you may even want to reach out to them and let them know!Expressing gratitude is an easy way to snap out of a bad mood. It also allows you to foster feelings of optimism, goodwill, connection, and overall positivity. Another bonus of gratitude is that it can be expressed in a variety of ways. I’ve given some examples above, but trust me- there are many more! If you cannot find anything to be grateful for, consider this quote: “Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude” (Ralph Waldo Emerson).

MIRACLE OF LIFE

When you hear the word “miracle,” what comes to mind? It’s a subjective word, so everyone has a different answer based on their experience and perceptions. We all tend to agree on the “large scale” miracles- walking on water, mothers lifting cars, people (and pets) returning home after being presumed dead, and so on. But I’ve found it’s how we perceive the smaller scale miracles, that is, the miracles in the everyday, that directly affect our joy and appreciation of life.

With the things that are possible today in terms of education and technology, it’s so easy to become cynical and take certain things for granted, including the very fact that we are alive. We’ve come to expect 2-day shipping when we purchase something online, not considering such a thing was inconceivable 100, or even 10, years ago. Watching incredibly advanced graphics on a screen in high-definition often takes priority over seeing something in real life. It’s no wonder many of us have grown disenchanted with the world around us.

Part of this may have something to do with the monotony of schedules and the feeling that we’re “just getting by.”  “You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It’s just a matter of paying attention to this miracle” (Paulo Coehlo). It’s true- when we put on our blinders, the world loses its colors and we move through days on autopilot. Things must be really grand and spectacular in order to stand out and grab our attention, otherwise they go by unnoticed and unappreciated. Albert Einstein once said “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” If you could choose, which would you pick?

I believe many of us would choose to see the miracle in everything and in each moment: “To me, every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle” (Walt Whitman). You don’t have to be a poet or a dreamer to find the beauty in everything, nor do you have to be a survivor of a traumatic event to know how to appreciate each sunrise, each breath. There’s no limit- nothing can stop you! “To be alive, to be able to see, to walk...it’s all a miracle. I have adapted the technique of living life from miracle to miracle” (Arthur Rubinstein)

Today, I’m able to see and be blessed by the miracle of life. Being surrounded by my children has been incredibly beneficial to me. As they grow, I’ve been granted the gift of seeing the world anew through their eyes, as they grow and interact with the world. As much as I wanted to be spiteful and angry at the world for my oldest son’s experience, he endured, and continues to thrive.

It’s profoundly amazing when you think about how, of all the ways things could have gone, for reasons beyond our comprehension, everything happened exactly the way it did, so that you, me, and everyone else arrived here in the world. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is!

 

                                               

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO 'DESERVE' THIS???

“What have I done to deserve this?”

We’ve all had this thought at some point or another in our lives- whether about something good or something bad. The idea of “deserving” and fixating on this notion is a recipe for resentment, disappointment, and sadness. In believing we deserve something (be it an object or circumstance), we assign the labels of “good” or “bad” to ourselves. This affects how we interact with the world and our perception of our role within it. This post is about the danger of “deserving” and shifting toward acceptance.

When something bad happens, people will often either take the stance of “What have I done to deserve this” or “Of course, this is happening because I deserve it.” Both of these thoughts can be damaging. They invite the “I am a victim” stance on the world. Unfortunately, once we develop this relationship with our surroundings, it gets perpetuated and becomes a difficult pattern to alter. But how? It involves a perception shift from thinking about bad experiences as opportunities for growth, rather than punishments (and yes, it is a tough pill to swallow at first). After all, “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you” (Mary Tyler Moore). Difficult situations are never intended to break or destroy, but to give us an opportunity to see how strong and capable we really are- what other way is there to discover this? “Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it” (Buddha). The blessing may be that in facing a difficult situation, you overcome a fear that has held you back in the past. After, you migh be able to face other situations without this fear, knowing that you have already defeated it.

On the other hand, there are those who question when good things come their way, wondering what they have done to deserve such good fortune. Or, they are perhaps skeptical that a situation is too good to be true. Again, this isn’t something for us to judge- “God never made a promise that was too good to be true” (Dwight L. Moody). If your life is being rewarded, accept that it is happening for a reason beyond your control. A force greater than yourself believes that you are deserving, and that is enough. A common response to situations that seem to good to be true is self-sabotage, where a person will ruin a situation (consciously or unconsciously) because he/she is so utterly convinced of being unworthy of anything beautiful or good.

When you feel that something is a punishment or reward, remember that there is a reason for everything, even if you don’t understand what it is yet. As Idina Menzel has said, “Things happen for a reason, and in their own time.” For anyone whose children love Frozen, she also said (or, more appropriately, sang) “Let it go” and it isn’t bad advice. It’s also pretty catchy. Good, bad, or indifferent-there is a purpose for everything that happens in your life-stay strong and have a little faith.                            

 

                                                                

 

THE MEANING OF JOY

“If all you did was just look around for things to appreciate, you would live a joyous, spectacular life” Abraham Hicks

I have written about gratitude before, and it only makes sense to write about joy, too, since they go hand in hand. When we think about all the things we are grateful for in our lives, the end result is often a feeling of joy. When we are joyful, expressing gratitude becomes easy and effortless. The two create a reinforcing cycle of positivity, when you experience one the other often follows. Learning to cultivate both will allow you to create a “joyous, spectacular life.”

First, what is joy? It is defined as “an intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness, or an instance of such a feeling.” Joy does not necessarily need to be felt with such a force. It can be more of a slow, simmering feeling that builds up and gathers strength as it goes. It can also be maintained for a long period of time-a lifetime even, rather than cycles of becoming  bright and hot too fast and burning out. One way to maintain joy is to identify sources of joy in your life.

What brings you joy? As I suggested with cultivating gratitude, create a “joy list” as a way to actively cultivate joy. This can be anything that lifts you up or makes you smile (a recommended starting point is at least five). If you can, try to make them “big picture” items (as opposed to “I’m really thirsty and a glass of water would bring me joy at this moment). In spite of hardships in my life, there are still plenty of things to be joyful of. My family and my faith, for starters: “You have filled my heart with greater joy” (Psalm 4:7). Recognizing what expands upon our joy and writing it down allows us to have a physical reminder to revisit. In less joyful times, this list can be a way to help maintain joy, in spite of what is happening around us.   

What many of us don’t realize- or take the ‘long way’ in discovering- is that joy is an entirely internal state, independent of external circumstances. Whether you get a lottery ticket or a parking ticket does not need to dictate your joy level (or lack thereof). Joy may not come easily at first, in fact, for many people it doesn’t. Like anything in life, it is a practice that requires some work. Many of us get stuck in a routine, a search for constant improvement, and we become wired to constantly get better, reach the next level, never settle. There’s always something more for us to do, be, or have, just beyond our reach. Part of joy is learning to be content with where we are now, otherwise we’ll push it aside, saying “I can be joyful when I reach this next point in my life. That’s when it will be ok.”

Joy can be as easy or as difficult as we make it. If you find yourself putting your pursuit of a joyful life aside for other items on your “to-do” list, consider this proverb: “The body heals with play, the mind heals with laughter and the spirit heals with joy.” Maybe, with a little joy, you can reach goals you’d never believed attainable.

                                                      

 

 

DIVINE MESSAGES

Throughout history, we’ve heard incredible stories of people who have received divine messages from a being beyond themselves, giving them the courage and direction to perform a great feat. There’s Moses and the burning bush, Joan of Arc, and English artist William Blake, to name a few. In fact, the idea of divine inspiration still fascinates us today, as it has a place in our pop culture with movies like Angels in the Outfield. These people are all different nationalities, ages, gender, and yet they have something in common: they were open to receiving a divine message. They may have initially had fear and resisted action at first, but there was a greater force inside of them that granted them the ability to hear. Here is an even greater secret: we all have that ability.

Here’s an analogy using modern technology. We are all like phones, capable of sending and receiving calls. However, some of us may have voicemails that are more full than others. These past messages may be old ideas, insecurities or beliefs that are taking up space. What happens when you don’t clean out the old messages in your voicemail? It fills up, and you can’t receive any new messages. Until you clear out whatever is spiritually blocking you, you won’t be able to receive any new messages. Do your best to clear out those old messages, and if something or someone is keeping you tied up on the other line, you may need to hang up. As author Paulo Coelho says, “If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.”

I’d also like to express the importance of opening yourself to receiving messages without constantly expecting one. There is a balance between keeping your ears, heart and mind open to receive without looking for meaning in everything. If you try to make everything you see into some sort of sign, you become distracted and ultimately block yourself from receiving new messages. The messages you look for do not work like a magic 8 ball that you can ask whether or not you should buy a certain pair of shoes or what you should eat for lunch.

You may encounter something difficult or find yourself at a crossroads, with no idea which path to choose. These are the moments when we are most likely to crave some sort of sign or message- and become impatient when it does not arrive on our time. I am definitely guilty of this impatience. But, doesn’t it defeat the purpose to have these signs available to us at the snap of our fingers? To be able to just say “Okay, Universe, I need you to tell me which way to go now” and get a clear, instant answer. Signs are much more powerful when our own influence is absent from them.

The bottom line: keep your “lines open,” be it through prayer, meditation, or whatever works best for you, and don’t force it.  Be open to receiving and “Believe with all your heart that you will do what you were made to do”( Orson Swett Marden), and more will be revealed.

 

                                                  

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ACCEPTING THE GOOD WITH THE BAD

Life is a series of peaks and valleys, ups and downs, good days and bad. One day, it may seem as if you’re on top of the world, only to feel knocked down the very next day. Life is a balancing act, and we have to take the good with the bad. But I’m talking about the severe valleys- the ones that go so deep, you lose reception for hope. Let me first say, you will make it out of the valley, because that is how life moves. In the meantime, though, let’s discuss the nature of sorrow and it’s purpose in our lives.

It’s hard to imagine a grander plan in the midst of pain and suffering. Why do terrible, horrific things happen in our world? Why do things like sadness, despair, and heartbreak exist? These questions are powerful, and can shake the foundations of even the most spiritually sound people. Sorrow is perhaps one of the most devastating emotions (rage being the most misunderstood, and joyful the most sought-after).

In the thick of the storm, I recommend trying to find refuge in the belief that “This too shall pass,” far away though it may seem. Nothing is ever put in our paths that we are not capable of getting through, no matter how hopeless it may initially seem. The difficulties you are facing today are the valleys you must climb through, perhaps crawling at times, to get to the top of your next mountain. You may not notice the progress you’re making at first, but the point is to keep moving forward.  As Roman poet Ovid suggested, “Bear and endure: this sorrow will one day prove to be for your good.” A helpful exercise is recalling a past difficulty that you experienced. Despite the pain you felt at the time, you made it through and became a stronger person.   

Yet, in spite of this knowledge that brighter days are ahead of us, perhaps we have languished a bit too long in the gray, rainy days and have strained our eyes from searching for a break in the clouds. This is a good time to remind ourselves that life is a balancing act: “We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness” (David Weatherford). We are not allowed the benefit (or curse) of experiencing only one side of the coin- that is not the way our world was designed. Sorrow is only a small part of the larger spectrum of emotion that we are capable of feeling. When you’re feeling low, remember that it’s all part of the process, and it will pass.

Even Carl Jung said “The word ‘happiness’ would lose it’s meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” Because we have sorrows, we are better able to accept happiness and truly understand what it means when we feel it. Sorrow is just as beautiful as happiness, and just as important

                                             

                                                   

 

PERFECTING THE ART OF COMPASSION

“See the light in others, and treat them as if it is all you can see”- Dr. Wayne Dwyer

Somedays, you feel as if you’ve reached the end of your rope. You spilled coffee as you herded your children out the door, simultaneously leaving your lunch on the counter, getting cut off in traffic when you were already running late…And all these little things add up, draining you of your patience and overall goodwill. By the time you get to work, or class, or wherever it is you need to be, you have officially decided “It’s going to be a terrible day.” And, because of this decision, you may take it out on others who you encounter through the rest of the day.

It probably doesn’t come as a surprise, but once you have mentally taken on the attitude that it will be a terrible day, guess what? You have just vastly increased your odds of having a terrible day. But what’s a person to do when it feels as though the world is conspiring to put you in a terrible mood and derail you? Perhaps practicing compassion, as crazy as it may seem!

First and foremost, remember to be compassionate towards yourself on these days. After all, you are human and cannot be expected to have perfect days all the time! If you lost your temper or said something unkind, try not to let it be a dark cloud on the remainder of your day. Take a breath, apologize to anyone you need to, and forgive yourself. When we think of compassion, we often overlook ourselves. Some might think it is selfish, but think about it: you cannot feed others from an empty cupboard. If you don’t practice compassion towards yourself, you can’t truly give it to others.

Second, if it is another person who is testing you (perhaps the person who cut you off in traffic earlier in the morning), remember that they are humans too, and for all we know, they could be having a rough morning as well. So, before you fly off the handle at the next person who rubs you the wrong way, take another deep breath (or two or three- there’s no such thing as too many deep breaths). Remind yourself that this person has thoughts and feelings too, and is fighting a battle that you cannot see or know about. Just as the quote at the beginning of the post suggests, this person has an inner light and redeeming qualities that make them lovable. Remind yourself of this, and love them in spite of their limits. Eventually, the anger or resentment you feel towards them in that moment will leave. It may take some time, but you will feel all the better knowing that you acted from a place of compassion rather than anger.

When we practice compassion in our daily lives, no matter how trying or difficult the day may seem, we become better people and the world becomes a better place for it. Some final words of wisdom to take with you today: “Let us fill our hearts with our own compassion- towards ourselves and towards all living beings” Thich Nhat Hanh

PAVING YOUR WAY TO HAPPINESS THROUGH GRATITUDE

“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow” - Shauna Niequist

One of the greatest components of building a happy life is gratitude. No matter how fast paced or unmanageable our lives may feel, it’s important to take a few minutes out of each day and find something to be grateful for. It’s amazing how generating a mental gratitude list can snap you out of a funk, and it’s almost guaranteed to make you feel positive once you’re done! As with most things, the hardest part is getting started.

When you’re in a difficult or trying place in life, starting a gratitude list may seem pointless or like a waste of time. Put these negative thoughts aside, even if only for a minute at first. Start with the very basic elements, no matter how “obvious” or “silly” they may seem at first. For instance, being thankful for: your life, the opportunity for the blank slate of a new day, your family, your friends, the sun, the earth, the ocean, rain, modern technology- anything that surrounds you or makes you happy. You can be grateful for a certain childhood memory or a favorite book. And, if you really want to dig deep into the core of gratitude and it’s potential for happiness, express gratitude for your adversities and obstacles. Pain is temporary, after all, and challenges offer an opportunity for growth. They are merely a push in the right direction, a catalyst for action that we may not take if left to our own devices. And, once the challenge is overcome, are we not often the better people because of it? Even sadness is worthy of gratitude, because without it, what would we have to compare happiness with?

Mentally listing what you are grateful for is a great way to start your day, but there’s even more work that you can do! Gratitude is an action word. It is defined as “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”  There are three verbs in this definition: “being,” “show” and “return.” The quote at the beginning of the post also emphasizes the action-oriented nature of gratitude: it’s a matter of saying “thank you AND “ celebrating or “thank you AND” growing. The work begins with a thank you, but ends with an action.  

This means gratitude is more than a mere feeling, or saying “Thank you” to the open air (although it’s a great start). If you have specific people in your gratitude list, make sure to take some time to thank them in person, if you can. I’m sure they would love to hear it, and it will make you feel good, too. As William Arthur Ward points out, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Expression can, and often does, involve simply telling a person, “Hey, thank you for being in my life!”

Some final food for thought as you pave your way to happiness through gratitude: “It is not happy people who are thankful, it is thankful people who are happy.” No matter where you are in your journey, whether you feel that life has given you a bounty of lemons or that it has backed you into a temporary corner, say thank you and be happy!

FOCUS ON THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION

       "Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity, but in doing”- Greg Anderson.

As many of you know, this blog began as a way to share the personal journey of my family in overcoming adversity and appreciating the many blessings we have been given. It was also a way to open dialogue about my novel, “Flu Shot Gone Wrong.” In just one week, my story, “Flu Shot Gone Wrong,” will be published. It’s a long awaited time that has at last arrived. I’ve been dreading and anticipating it in equal measure. But why? Is it because I’m viewing publication as my “destination”? Or is it perhaps dread of the unknown, the “what happens next” of releasing a very personal story to millions of people?

The anticipation makes sense, after all- this is the result of years of work. Navigating the world of writing, finding the courage and strength to not only share our story but feel that I’ve done it justice, in between raising four children and maintaining faith has been hard work, but it was my calling. I have strong hopes that others will read our story and find the inspiration and strength within the pages to continue their own personal journeys. We never have to walk alone. In many ways, my anticipation is the equivalent of seeing the finish line after running a physically taxing race. The end is in sight, and I am eager to cross that line, taking some time to catch my breath and rest afterward.

The dread is a more difficult feeling to explain. Perhaps it is because all writing is a work that comes from within, it’s an opening of heart and soul. This particular bit of work exposes a huge piece of my own life, laying it bare for all to see. It’s opening up, and, as with any type of opening, it leaves an exposed, vulnerable place. Vulnerability, as Brene Brown says, “is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.” In writing my son’s story, I am opening our lives to the eyes of many: “This is real, this is me, this is us.” It is an invitation to exposure. In many ways, publishing is a gigantic leap of faith.

As March 10 draws ever closer, I try to push aside the dread, fear and anticipation, and remember instead that this is only one leg of a journey. The overarching theme in this particular journey is without a doubt love. When I remember that “Flu Shot Gone Wrong” began as an act of love for my children, all my strength returns. No matter what comes next in this journey of life, they will always be the most important part. It is their love and faith that keeps me afloat through the ups and downs. In fact, they gave me my voice. The truth is, in spite of the difficulties, I have experienced a vast amount of joy during this journey. Here’s to the ending of a chapter and the beginning of a new one!  www.flushotgonewrong.com https://m.facebook.com/flushotgonewrong www.wishforthesky.com        
                                                       
                                                         

THE SHIELD OF FAITH

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4 (NIV)

       Our shield of faith is very important. "Above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one." Ephesians 6:16  When we think of the word shield, we envision soldiers holding off their enemy and using their shield to block incoming attacks, no matter what direction they might come from. This is exactly true, as we need to be sure our own armor is deployed every second of the day.
       When speaking of faith, Jesus said if you had faith as a mustard seed you would be able to speak to a mountain and it would move. We know that faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen. Sometimes we might pray for something in faith and when it is not answered in the timeframe we would like, we start to question God. The truth is God knows what's best for us and we must learn to trust in Him, even when He doesn't do what we ask.
      The story of  Peter in the Bible is a good example of the power of using our faith and the outcome of not trusting in God. The disciples were inside a boat watching and were afraid when they saw Jesus walking on the lake. They actually thought he was a ghost! Peter called out to Jesus, "Lord if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," Jesus replied. Peter got out of the boat and was walking toward Jesus. Everything was fine until he felt the wind and saw the waters moving. He became afraid and started to sink. "Save me!" he cried out. Jesus stretched out his hand and caught Peter. "You of little faith," He said to his disciple. "Why did you doubt?"
      The story shows when Peter trusted Jesus, ignited his faith, and focused on God, he did fine walking out on the water. It wasn't until Peter had given in to his fear that he started to sink.
      As we all pass through our own floodwaters in life, finding refuge in Jesus and activating our shield of faith is key in holding our own head above water. When we stay in faith, no matter how long it might take, God sees our pain and will bring us through what we are facing.
"I will go before thee and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron." Isaiah 45:2 (KJV)

                                            

MAURICE LAMKIN JR. AMELIORATION ACT PETITION IS NOW READY TO SIGN!

"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete." --R. Buckminster Fuller--

    I hope everyone is having a great evening! The Maurice Lamkin Jr. Amelioration Act Petition, to bring about much needed Flu Vaccine reform, is now ready to sign! Please watch our new video at www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KvqvTWSqz8 and then visit www.flushotgonewrong.com too sign the petition! Thank you for the continued support and Together, we CAN make a difference in people's lives!                    
                                                       

Through Tragedy Comes Good

'Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." -- Psalm 57:1

   Our journey has definitely been like a roller coaster ride of sorts ---going uphill, downhill, and many twists and turns along the way. I often think of the song, 'Need You Now' by Plum:

                              "Standing on a road I didn't plan
                                  Wondering how I got to where I am
                              I'm trying to hear that still small voice
                                  I'm trying to hear above the noise

                               How many times have you heard me cry out
                                    "God please take this"?
                               How many times have you given me strength to
                                      Just keep breathing?
                                        Oh I need you
                               God, I need you now."

     The words in this song have often rang true for many of us. Whether standing on a road we didn't plan or completely blindsided by unforeseen circumstances, life can all too often leave us broken and bewildered.  During certain periods, when we find ourselves treading through the darkest moments, it's not always clear how to dust ourselves off and figure out how to rearrange the now shattered pieces. We know in this world bad things do happen to good people all too often, and when tragedy does strike, it knows no race, color, or creed. It is then we must dig down deep inside ourselves to a place we didn't even know existed and muster up every ounce of strength and courage. The many miracles and blessings witnessed along our own life changing passage has forever impacted me in so many ways and has shown the importance of staying in faith, especially in the moments it seemed pointless to do so!
     As we know from many stories in the Bible, sometimes the greatest things can come out after people have went through their hardest tribulations. Look at what happened when Moses was in the desert for forty years. When he finally was called out by God, he went on to successfully complete one of the greatest deliverance missions there is.
      As we all pass through our own floodwaters in life, finding refuge in Jesus is the key to being able to hold our head above water. We have to remember, no matter how tremendous the pain and grief might be, we are still in control of our reactions in those trying times. You may ask yourself, as I did so many times before, "How can I keep going?", "Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?" These questions can be very perplexing, especially when the tunnel seems never ending. I believe the answers lie in our ability to stay in faith through all of the agony and tears. When it feels as if we can't give anymore and have reached our wit's end, God reveals a way for us to reach the light.
      I knew my son, Maurice's, life was meant to touch others. I hoped his story would one day make a difference in people's lives. Over the years, in the midst of the greatest obstacles/adversities of my life, I prayed for God to show me the best ways to accomplish this.
      I felt God laid it on my heart to start a nonprofit organization that would grant wishes to brain injured children and also to write the book about my son's story. The Maurice Lamkin Jr. Brain Injury Foundation was soon founded www.wishforthesky.com and I then worked diligently to complete, 'Flu Shot Gone Wrong,' an unvarnished account of how my son's life was transformed perpetually after receiving the vaccine and the love, faith, miracles, and countless lessons learned along the way www.flushotgonewrong.com ! At first, I wasn't sure I'd be able to convey the right words or even have enough energy to complete such a task. I thought to myself, How can I do this with no formal writing training ?--- I'm just A Mom ---
      A Mom who finds pleasures in the simpler things of life---that first cool sip of iced tea, gazing wondrously at a rainbow, and tucking the kids into bed at night.
     A Mom who would give anything for her children and never expect to travel down such a tortuous road.
     A Mom guided by God and on a mission to help her fellow mankind and have the story of my precious son heard.
      I soon realized that the book was one of the ways God would use to reach out to people, so for the next year and a half, I worked assiduously at it. Every word I've written has been like reliving our journey all over again. I am still amazed with God's astounding goodness, and He has opened my eyes even more through my writings.
      I am very excited to announce that the official release date for 'Flu Shot Gone Wrong' is March 10, 2015. You can now order copies and e Book download cards on the Tate Publishing website at: https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781633671256 ! My hopes are for people to become more informed when deciding whether the flu shot is right for their child or loved one, and will also benefit from our experience. It is my prayer that Maurice's story will inspire you to never give up and to know, no matter what trials may come against you, God loves you and will never leave your side! God has promised us beauty for our ashes and wants us to lean on Him in our greatest times of suffering. We must always remember that when you stay in faith, God turns tragedy into good.
   "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20
     
                                           

Breaking Free From Anxiety: How I Overcame My Inner Turmoil And Ways Of Conquering Your Own Internal Mayhem!

  "You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it."--Maya Angelou---

     Anxiety, also known as the fight-or-flight response, is our bodies way of showing us that something within our current situation needs to change. It is the most common mental illness in the United States, and is all too often accompanied by depression, another familiar condition bewildering millions. Our ancestors used this same fight-or-flight response to their advantage, utilizing their careful thinking and problem solving skills in becoming well prepared for winter and warding off unwanted animal attacks. While it is normal for everyone to experience occasional anxiety, when more recurrent bouts of unwelcome, intense feelings rear their ugly head, it can be a sign of anxiety disorder. Panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorders, nervous behaviors, social anxiety disorders, and a wide range of phobias are some of the most frequent symptoms exhibited when people suffer from this crippling affliction. While doctor's are still unsure of the exact cause of anxiety; stress, genetics, and traumatic life events seem to be highest on the list of contributing factors, reported by those who suffer with them. When sudden unexpected events occur, such as: loss of a loved one, a failed relationship, a traumatic life event, sickness, or bad business deal, we are often left confused and brokenhearted, with our feelings meandering wildly.
     The torment that comes along with generalized anxiety and panic attacks is a topic very close to my heart, as not too long ago, I struggled day and night with unsettling feelings of fear, despair, trepidation...and the list went on and on. I found myself trapped in misery, as I agonized incessantly, desperately searching for a solution to the growing turmoil inside me. In this post, I will focus on my own battle with these fits of terror and methods used to overcome them for good!
      My battle with disquietude started when my son, Maurice, was first hospitalized. Our entire world was turned upside down and everything I knew no longer made sense. My first born, lied in the ICU, on Life Support, fighting for his life and I was thrust into an emotional, mental, and physical state which was unfamiliar, to say the least. I was focused on being the best mother I could be for Maurice and my other children, and didn't have time nor the energy to worry about my worsening apprehension. The ups and downs encountered throughout the ICU, Rehab., Life coming home from Rehab., and the journey we embarked on from that point forward were the most perplexing and trying times of my life, but I was determined to stay in faith, finding a way for the shattered pieces to all fit again. I knew I couldn't let my perturbation get the best of me, but over the years, despite diligently working to get a handle on it, the symptoms got harder to control. A war was going on inside myself, and I was trying with all my might to not let it prevail. It never affected my ability to take care of the children, but it was definitely impacting my life on a continual basis.
       The restless nights were the worse. I would excessively worry about the future and Maurice getting better. I went days without being able to sleep. The worry turned into unrelenting fear, which plagued my mind. I was incessantly scared my other children would get hurt or something might happen to me. I felt as if I had no control over anything and was completely powerless.
      I can't even recall the number of times I called my grandma or aunt when having a panic attack. I would wake up sweating and breathing sporadically, feeling as though my heart was going to pound through my chest. They would talk me through it, and then I would toss and turn for hours, trying to get back to sleep.
      On several occasions, I called the nurses in the E.R. in the middle of the night, fearing something was wrong with me. Sometimes, it felt as if my entire left side would go completely numb. Convinced I was having a heart attack, my aunt would come drive me to the hospital while my dad watched the kids. They would perform many tests and always had the same diagnosis of stress and anxiety.
     I'd ask God to please take my fear away. I didn't want to live like this and was petrified my mind was spiraling out of control. I'd sit and cry while everyone was asleep, knowing I had to get control over my thoughts. Even though my dad and aunts knew what was going on, I had never actually talked about my feelings in depth with them. I chose to finally open up.
     My dad wanted me to be strong and tried his best to build me up. He assured me I could handle anything and that exercise was key to taking my mind off of everything. The last thing I felt like doing at that time, though, was working out. My aunts urged me to see a doctor and felt maybe anxiety medication was the best option. I greatly appreciated their opinions, but considering the reaction my baby had to the Flu Shot, I wasn't a big fan of medications and opted to work on it myself.
      I prayed for God to let me live without the unsettling worries, implemented breathing techniques, a little bit of exercise, positive thinking, and actually put myself in 'uncomfortable situations' at times, just so I could see that everything would be okay and my fears wouldn't come true. I also started a journal, writing down my inner most thoughts and goals for the future. The symptoms fluctuated---decreasing for a few months, returning, and then diminishing again.
     I held fast that God would turn things around. After all, He knows us inside and out and could conquer anything. I laid at night reciting Psalms 139:1-3 (NIV) "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways."
     Ultimately, I had to work very hard to control the debilitating effects of my anxiety. Although the previous methods I implemented were a great start, it wasn't until I completely gave all my worries and trust over to God, that I experienced total relief, peace and comfort from my symptoms. I knew I must rise out of my own ashes and get my enthusiasm for life back. Even though my son was now permanently disabled and so much around me had changed, there was still so much beauty, lessons, miracles, and happiness to be seen and discovered...but I was blind to them until I trusted in God wholeheartedly! One of the lessons I have been taught through our plight is God will always protect us. He hates to see his children hurting, and when you stay in faith, He will deliver you from your burdens.
      It's easy to go through life living in our disappointments, set backs, and regrets...but when we stay focused on the past, we can't fulfill God's plan for our future! We are stronger than we think and must use the adversity in our life to help others. God would have never allowed the obstacles to come in our lives, if He didn't have a plan to bring us out victorious, better, and happier than ever before! If you stay in faith during your times of greatest suffering, God will take those fears that once controlled you and turn them into part of your testimony to thrust others out of their darkest hours! Thank you for reading this very special post and I will close with a quote from the well known Swiss- American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
    

A Present Day Miracle

     "So Jesus said to him, "unless you see signs and wonders you will not believe." John 4:48 ESV

      We all know that Jesus raised people from the dead, healed the sick, and performed countless other divine miracles. Have you ever thought: If only Jesus were still walking the Earth right now...then it would be all too easy for the suffering to be healed of their afflictions? I know that I have. Just a touch of His hand, reaching out for the edge of His garment, or a merciful prayer from His holiness brought about divine healing in that time. But what about 'Present Day' Miracles...Do they still exist? Some people are skeptic, not believing in healings and Present Day Miracles. They pray and pray...but feel there is no answer. The truth of the matter is that when we are in the midst of extreme circumstances, it is normal for us to want God to answer our prayers immediately. The reality is, however, our answer doesn't always come in the timeframe or manner we would like or expect. When we stay in faith, no matter how long it might take, God sees our pain and will bring us through what we are facing.
       I would like to share with you my own 'Present Day Miracle'. My story starts about a year after my firstborn son, Maurice, became permanently disabled from taking the Flu Shot. This was a very scary time. Every aspect of life as we knew it had been completely altered. Having witnessed my baby battling to survive forty days and nights on Life Support, then transferring to Rehab. where grueling therapy sessions began to walk again and regain all lost abilities, and finally 'Coming Home,' where I was completely focused on being the best mom for Maurice with his ever changing special needs, my inquisitive toddler, and my sweet infant girl.....To say the least, I was physically and mentally drained. From sunrise to sunset, I was so busy taking care of Maurice and my other two little ones. Money was also very scarce... I would constantly worry about how I was going to provide for my little ones. Saying we were struggling to make ends meet was definitely an understatement. At night, I would collapse into bed, praying the morning would bring a brighter day. The only thing keeping me going was the love for my children and my deepening spiritual relationship with God. I knew He was with us and could see all of our heartache and struggles.
      In the first few chapters of my soon to be released book, I tell how one night while Maurice lie in the Intensive Care Unit on Life Support...me, my dad, and Maurice's kindergarten teacher drove to see a faith healer, named Alan Ames, who was in town. I had never done or experienced anything like that before...and at the time wasn't even sure if I believed in faith healers....but was willing and desperate to save Maurice's life! We had an amazing experience that night and I vowed to go back every year to see the faith healer when he came to town. Since Maurice wasn't able to physically go the first year, I was greatly anticipating our next return the following year.....which is where my Present Day Miracle would take place.
      A few weeks before the healing service, I was feeling very overwhelmed. I had been trying my best to deal with everything and be brave in front of my children, but inside I was utterly terrified. I would stand at the kitchen window, which overlooked a tree in the backyard. Tears would stream down my face, as I watched a tiny bird hopping from one tree limb to another. As crazy as it might sound, I hoped this was a sign...possibly a message from God letting me know everything was going to be alright. I started praying, "Please, God. I don't know if I'm supposed to ask for such a thing, but if possible, can you please show me some kind of sign when we go see Mr. Ames? Just something to let me know you see what we're going through and everything with Maurice will be okay." I repeated this same prayer everyday in the weeks leading up to the healing service.
     The day of the service, I got Maurice dressed in his best clothes. He had been having a few seizures that morning, and my other little ones were coming down with a cold. When we were leaving the house, Maurice soiled his new jeans. I couldn't help but think something was trying to keep us from going, as I changed him into a different outfit. This only made me more determined though....
     We were just a few blocks away from the church. We were following a line of cars, I just knew were going to our same destination. This was a different church than we had seen Mr. Ames at the first time. As we turned into the parking lot, I was amazed at how big it was. It was a beautiful Catholic church named Our Lady of Lourdes Grotto.
     We pulled into a parking spot and unloaded the trunk. We put Maurice into his wheelchair and situated the girls inside their double stroller. There must have been hundreds of people there, and just being amongst them felt very tranquil.
     After Mass had ended, Mr. Ames came out and started speaking. We found a seat and listened to him reveal the innermost details of his own personal transformation. It was like I was glued to my seat and my ears fixated upon his every word as he continued speaking about the many documented healings, which had taken place at these services.
     His testimony was now coming to an end, and the healing service was ready to begin. I felt shivers going through my body as we lined up. I could see Mr. Ames laying his hands upon each person, and tears engulfed my face.
    Please, God, will you show me a sign that you see what's going on with Maurice? I prayed.
    I pushed Maurice up to the front and stood behind him. We were kind of in the middle, so it would take Mr. Ames a few minutes longer before getting to us. I glanced over at my dad, and we smiled at each other.
    When Mr. Ames got to us, I looked up at him; my face bright red from crying and whispered, "Please help us." He seemed to see right through to my heart and started praying over each one of us. I couldn't help but think about the sign from God I had been praying for. Please God, please show me a sign, I repeated in my mind.
     Mr. Ames had just finished praying over my dad, who was last in our row, and was starting to move toward the next family. We were getting ready to walk away when suddenly... Mr. Ames stopped. He quickly turned around, making his way back over to me. "I need to tell you that God does see you and sees what you're going through. Everything will be alright. I felt this was laid on my heart just now, and I had to tell you."
    He touched my and Maurice's forehead one last time, before moving on to the next family. Tears ran down my face...I couldn't believe He had answered my prayers in that way!!
   On the ride home, I told my dad all about what I had prayed in the previous weeks and he was amazed! I vowed to always share this story with people to let them know God is definitely real and sees everything we are going through. Things were really hard, but I would continue taking refuge in God.
   We now go back to see Mr. Ames each year. His website is www.alanames.org ---- Now you see why I will never doubt Present Day Miracles. Thank you for letting me share this special story with you. I will end this blog post with Jeremiah 29:12-13: "Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."