HOW TO STRESS LESS

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.– Winston Churchill

Worrying is common in today’s world, to the point where most of us are constantly worrying about, well, everything. Then it blossoms into full blown stress, which can take a strong hold on our lives. It will dictate most of our behaviors, thoughts, and actions- but only if we let it.

This may be surprising, but stress does have a purpose. It directs our attention to something (a situation or other outside influence) that is unpleasant or dangerous, so that we can take necessary action to remove ourselves from it. Usually, our bodies will restore themselves to neutral after the stressor has been removed. When we are under constant stress, the body never has a chance to recover, and that’s when it becomes dangerous to our health. Kris Carr illustrates this mind-body connection in the following: “If you don't think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days.” Unfortunately, we live in a society that glorifies being stressed out, which can make breaking free difficult. A good starting point is turning inward.

The first thing to do is pinpoint the source of your stress. There are many theories as to the origins of stress, but one of my favorites is from Eckhart Tolle: “Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there.’” “Here” could be a physical space, like being stuck in a traffic jam when you need to be “there” at work. It can also refer to wherever you are mentally. This idea also translates into mental space. In essence, our root cause of stress is usually from trying to manipulate situations beyond our control and the ensuing frustration when things don’t go according to plan. Take some time to reflect on the situations that are generating feelings of stress in your life. How many of them are beyond your control?

The next step is releasing yourself from this burden, which is another inside job. Expecting someone else to remove the stress from you inevitably creates an unhealthy dynamic, for starters, and can also breed further stress and resentments. Relieving yourself of stress means re-evaluating how the aforementioned situations trigger a stress response. Is it a situation we can remove ourselves from? If not, how can we change our perspective or attitude toward the situation in a way that reduces stress? This requires some deep digging. In all likelihood, it will also mean letting go and accepting that certain things are beyond our control, and that’s okay.

Stress isn’t all bad, but when it starts taking over our lives and well-being, it may be time to sit down with ourselves and look at what’s really going on. As we move through life, good and bad things will happen, we can only control our response: “A diamond is a piece of charcoal that handled stress exceptionally well” (unknown).

THOUGHTS ON EXPRESSING GRATITUDE

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, it is the parent of all others”- Cicero

Gratitude lists and journals are often suggested as a “pick me up” for people to get out of their own head. It’s a great exercise, and many people report that it works. The idea is to actively acknowledge what we are grateful for, which will help bring those positive feelings to our awareness and shift our mindset from the negative to the positive. Doing something every day to express gratitude- whether it’s using a gratitude journal, calling someone to thank them for their presence in your life, or simply saying “thank you” can help shift your mood.

The first step in expressing gratitude is to tap into the things you are grateful for, no matter how simple or trivial. Like anything else, this might require a bit of practice, and if you’re having a particularly difficult time in general, it may take a bit more work.

The next step is to find a way to channel it: “Gratitude requires awareness and effort not only to feel it but to express it” Bonnie D. Parkin. Some ideas for expressing gratitude include journaling, writing a letter, making a phone call, or paying it forward somehow. Gratitude journals have gained a lot of popularity recently (after all, Oprah has one!). If you decide to go that route, it’s recommended to make an entry 1-3 times a week. It doesn’t necessarily need to be an every day thing. Be diligent but don’t make it a chore- otherwise you risk making it a chore. You should set aside some time each day to write in your gratitude journal, but give yourself a range of items rather than a set amount (like 3-5). If you have more, great- don’t put a cap on it!

Why express gratitude? Anne Lamott explains it in this quote: “Gratitude is peace.” Having and showing gratitude have been linked to increased positive feelings, including optimism. In the wake of a terrible day, just being aware that you have a few things to be grateful for can give you a surge of good feelings- enough to know that it will all turn out alright, no matter what is happening at this moment: “When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change” (Dr. Wayne Dyer). Expressing gratitude can also increase our feelings of interconnectedness. No matter what method you choose- writing, praying, speaking to another- you sometimes experience a surge of compassion for certain people in your life. If that’s the case, you may even want to reach out to them and let them know!Expressing gratitude is an easy way to snap out of a bad mood. It also allows you to foster feelings of optimism, goodwill, connection, and overall positivity. Another bonus of gratitude is that it can be expressed in a variety of ways. I’ve given some examples above, but trust me- there are many more! If you cannot find anything to be grateful for, consider this quote: “Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude” (Ralph Waldo Emerson).

AUTHENTICITY?!?

Do you ever feel that you’re wearing a mask or smothering who you really are? Well, you aren’t alone. Thousands of people do the same thing every day (and you may just not notice because hey, they’re doing a great job of hiding it). Why do we hide from ourselves? Perhaps the most common reason is for approval: we all want to be liked, right? And, with the rise of social media and other online “masks,” it’s fairly easy to create a false perception of ourselves. Maybe we believe it’ll bring us happiness, or something along those lines. The truth of the matter is, we are all unique individuals and embracing who we truly are is probably one of the most liberating things we can do for ourselves. Even renowned psychologist Carl Jung once stated that “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

There’s the day-to-day stifling- when we stop ourselves from saying or doing something because we are afraid of another’s judgment. Unless it’s harmful to another person (following the whole “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” rule we’ve all heard), there’s no reason why you should minimize your own feelings because of someone else: “Don’t try to please others at the expense of your values and your integrity. 

At the end of the day, you want to like yourself when you look in a mirror” (Millen Livis). A common example of this is in schools, when a child will go against what he/she feels is right in order to fit in with a group. Adults exhibit the same behavior. Being inauthentic doesn’t just harm us, it can harm others (directly or indirectly).

Another way of suffocating one’s self involves wishing we were more (or entirely) like someone else. Today, we tend to compare ourselves to what we see on t.v. or social media, even if we know it’s not realistic. 9 times out of 10, when we measure ourselves in this way, we come up short. “Ah,” we sigh, “I wish I could be more like that…” But what does being more like “that” accomplish? I’m guilty of this, but I don’t have an answer for it, either. 

What I do know is that once you become “more like that,” you’re still dissatisfied. There will always be something just beyond your reach, another “that” to aspire towards. It’s as though you’re chasing something that’s forever out of reach, which is a silly way to spend one’s time. “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are”- there is no one else in the world like you, so why stifle yourself?

As it turns out, pretending to be someone we aren’t can have some serious side effects on our health: “If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief” (Brene Brown). It may take some time and practice, but only you can stop minimizing your feelings, speak up when your gut tells you to, and learn to love the things that are amazing about you.

                                                  

The Most Precious Gift

 "Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel" Isaiah 7:14 (KJV)

          As we celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ, it can be somewhat difficult to find peace with so much suffering going on around the world. Mark 13:7 (KJV) reads as follows: 'And when ye shall hear of wars and rumors of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must be; but the end shall not be yet.' We must remember that God came to Earth as a man to show us love, peace, endless mercy, and that He wants us to find comfort and peace right where we are at.
         While my kids and I visited a live nativity scene this morning, I couldn't help think about Jesus' mother, Mary. Already very large and almost ready to give birth, what were her feelings as she embarked on the journey to Bethlehem? Any mother-to-be can experience a long list of anxious emotions, and I can't imagine the thoughts going through her mind as the innkeeper said ' there was no room in the inn to give birth?' Luke 2:7 says: and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.' I know she was overjoyed at the sight of the precious baby she had given birth to...and elated her son would grow up to save mankind from their sins. She of course would give Him the name Jesus, which means 'Savior.'
          I strive to teach my children the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to know it isn't about how many presents you get or the number of holiday functions one might attend, but instead, about joy, giving, and making sacrifices for others. We should all aim to keep the Christmas spirit year round, always reflecting how God has already given us the greatest gift we can ever receive, in his son, Jesus. The religious leader and author, Thomas Monson, said it best when he wrote: 'Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people. It is forgetting self and finding time for others. It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values.'
         Merry Christmas from our family to yours! I hope everyone had a wonderful day, filled with memories which will last a lifetime!

                                                     

        
       
       

The Power Of Poetry

   A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. It finds the thought and the thought finds the words. --- Robert Frost ----

      Since primordial times, people have expressed their deepest emotions, created healing, and stimulated personal growth through poetry. The well known scholar and psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, once stated: 'Not I, but the poet discovered the unconscious.' Poetry has a way of taking you too many places...places, sometimes, only our mind can create. When we travel to that creative place our poems come from...it is then that healing, peace, and insights are generated.
       Growing up, I was never a poetry writer, but loved reading all genres of it. It wasn't until the most strenuous time of my life, that I stumbled upon the healing power of poetry! The exact moment will always be fresh in my mind: My son, Maurice, had been in the Intensive Care Unit for over a month. We were now waiting for any signs that he would start coming out of the coma. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I knew he was depending on me to stay strong for him, and even though he couldn't speak, he could hear and feel what was going on around him. I took Maurice's hand and recounted trips we had been on. I talked for hours, just hoping something I said might wake him up quicker. I went over memories we shared at the beach, as this was his favorite place to go. I recalled one trip where Maurice and I had taken a picture inside a huge diorama of a shark's mouth. "I can't wait for us to go to the beach again, sweetie. "Remember when we took the picture inside of the shark's mouth?" I asked, looking down at him. He, of course, didn't respond. I closed my eyes, trying to fight back the tears. "I know you can hear me, babe," I asserted. "Mommy's going to be right here when you wake up." I shifted in my chair, pulling a blanket I had on my lap up over my shoulders. When suddenly, I thought I felt a finger move! Knowing I hadn't slept well in over a month, I thought I was mistaken. Trying to decompress, I kept talking about the beach trip. Then I felt his fingers moving again. This time, even slightly more than the first. I couldn't have been misconstrued. I jumped up and pressed the nurse call button so much I thought I might break it. The whole time I kept saying to Maurice, "I'm here baby...I knew you could do it!" It felt as if we had been waiting a lifetime for Maurice to start waking up. I knew we were still in a battle, but all that mattered was my baby was fighting through it!
       Many reflections were running rampant through my mind. It felt as if I was going to rupture inside. I wanted to express my everlasting love for him in a special way. Contemplating all the agony we had encountered throughout the ICU, I reached for a pen and paper and started writing him this poem:

                                                      My Hero
                                       As I drive down this broken road
                                  I can't help but wonder what life will unfold.
                                       Looking out at the midnight sky
                                  my mind starts to drift, thinking of you and I.
                                  Every corner I turn and every stoplight I see
                                       are filled with our sweet memories.
                                  Wondering how one minute you can have it all
                                  and never knowing that in the blink of an eye
                                        it could all be gone.
                                   As another day passes and another night ends
                                  I try to convince myself, I'm just trapped in a nightmare that will soon end.
                                  If I had a wish, I would turn back the hands of time
                                        and erase all of your pain you feel inside.
                                  I would shield and protect you from any harm
                                       and never let you go from my arms.
                                   You are truly an angel and everything to me
                                       and I can't ever explain how you've always
                                       made me so proud
                                   from the first day I took you into your pre-k class
                                   I will never forget, the way you sat down so brave
                                       and so eager to learn.
                                    You looked at me and smiled and waved good-bye.
                                     You were never scared and had a certain look in your eye.
                                    I knew you would grow up to be a great man
                                      and you've exceeded my expectations time and time again.
                                    I wonder if I'll ever hear you talk to me again
                                    to tell me that you love me and just how your day has been.
                                    Sometimes, I see you look at me, so deeply in my eyes
                                    and I wish I knew what you were thinking and feeling inside.
                                    I know you have an angel with you everywhere you go,
                                    and God has a plan for you that we soon will know.
                                    You have been through a battle and still are fighting now
                                     strong and fearless as a brave soldier, traveling onto enemy ground.
                                     Your motivation for fighting so hard through all of this
                                        I wish I knew.
                                     Anyone else would have given up and never made it through.
                                    You have a will to live, that is amazing and always shines through.
                                     You will always be my hero, a true inspiration to me.
                                     I hope you know how much I truly love you,
                                          and I will never leave your side.
                                     I am truly blessed to have you, I know without
                                          a doubt.
                                     I will never take a day for granted, for you
                                          are what life and love are truly about!

             I had found a way to release my inner emotions! It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and transferred, at least momentarily, through the pen to the paper. Poetry had allowed me to escape from all of the doubt, worry, and perplexing feelings which were plaguing my heart.
             I would love to hear any of your own inspirational poetry! Thank you for reading this blog post and I will close with this short poem from Michael Sage:
                                                         An Emotion
                                      There came an emotion, somewhere from above
                                      Gracefully floating, like a beautiful white dove.
                                      I'm enveloped by emotion, it fits like a glove
                                      So peaceful and wonderful, this feeling called Love.