THE BLESSING- AND CURSE- OF A TO-DO LIST

When you’re in charge of more than one person, say by running a business or keeping track of kids, it helps to collect and organize information about everyone’s schedules, be it in a list or calendar. Externalizing your daily priorities clears some space in your head for other things that need to happen, or, in other words, helps your mind stay sane and uncluttered. Making a to-do list should be more empowering than disheartening, but toeing that line can feel like walking a tight rope. Between work for Wish with the Sky Foundation and being a mother of 4, here are some insights I’ve learned over the years.

Having everyone’s schedules in one place is a blessing. In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have last-minute meetings or pull out important flyers from your child’s backpack the night before something important is happening, or other unpredictable event like car trouble or illness. The beauty of a to do list is that you can ideally shift around your priorities to accommodate these snafus. It can also be a nice reference point that brings you back to center when those outside forces come into play- all you have to do is refer to your list and get back on track!

When your to-do list starts becoming a script for your life, or you start getting anxiety around completing all the items in a given day, you have probably crossed the line from helpful into harmful. If writing down a list of what you have to do in a given day is stressful, it might be time to find a new approach to getting organized. You may even consider breaking up with to-do lists altogether- and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You might consider reimagining the way you approach a to-do list. One alternative is the 1-3-5 list, where you pick one “big” thing, 3 medium level things, and 5 small things that you will accomplish. For other alternative list structures, take a look at this article from Work Awesome.

Rather than nixing to do lists altogether, it might be a good idea to build in some balance. Create some time, be it a couple hours each day, or setting aside the weekend, to be agenda-less. It doesn’t mean you have to float around and do nothing, just that you mentally free yourself from creating a list. After all, an agenda does not make life any more or less important. Let yourself (and your kids) enjoy a bit of time here and there without worrying what you’re supposed to go to next.

Moderation is the key. For the important things, like meetings, practices, rehearsals, etc., it’s important to keep track of what’s going on. But if every waking moment is dictated by this list, it will start to feel more like a burden than a tool. Life wasn’t meant to be an itemized list of things to check off! Not accomplishing everything you’d initially hoped to in a day is ok- you are wherever you need to be in a given moment. The to-do list is a guide, not a rulebook.

TIPS ON BECOMING RESILIENT

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it”- Margaret Thatcher

Everyone has a bad day, or a series of bad days, once in awhile. It’s all a part of life. Resilience is our ability to bounce back from these unavoidable setbacks and “get back on the saddle.” Like the Margaret Thatcher quote above suggests, when you encounter a challenge or obstacle, you may not be successful on the first try. At times, it probably feels like you’re stuck in a repetitive loop having to deal with the same problem more than once. Part of being resilient is being able to come back to a battle more than once, and being ok with the fact that you might have to lose once in awhile. If you don’t consider yourself among the resilient, the good news is that many of the characteristics of resilient people can be obtained with a bit work!

Acceptance might be the most important part of resilience, and the part that is easier said than done. It takes a lot of work to be comfortable with the knowledge that some things are beyond our control. The truth is, even though we work hard and try to do the next right thing, we aren’t the ones running the show. We truly only have control over ourselves and our own actions.

Another piece of acceptance is having faith that, even if we don’t have control, that it will all be okay. Again, this might feel unfamiliar to many people at first (like being spiritually blindfolded). Every now and then, you’re not going to feel very positive. Life might be throwing a lot at you at once. You don’t have to be at your best all the time- remember that it’s okay not to be okay every now and then.

“It’s not the load that breaks you, it’s the way you carry it” (Lena Horne).

Although it may seem like resilient people are independently strong, they usually have a strong support group that helps them through the difficult times. Part of being resilient is knowing that as individuals, we don’t have all the answers, and someone else might be able to help if we let them. Have you ever told a friend something difficult or painful, and felt physically lighter because of it? Powerful feelings and emotions can weigh us down. Life’s burdens are less likely to break us if we distribute the weight across multiple people rather than trying to shoulder them all ourselves.

“Failure is a bruise not a tattoo” (Jon Sinclair). Another important component of resilience is perspective. Is the glass half full or half empty? Resilient people don’t tell themselves “I can’t” or view situations as impossible to handle. They also tend to look at difficulties as an opportunity for growth. It sounds a bit “out there,” but remember, I said these qualities required a bit of work! Situations may appear different if we step away for a little bit. It may also be an opportunity to ask someone else for their perspective- you never know what wisdom another person has to offer.

Resilience isn’t built in a day. Sure, some people make it look easy but these are skills that everyone can develop with a bit of practice and patience.

VOLUNTEERING

“Those who are the happiest are those who do the most for others” Booker T. Washington

Once in awhile, I get absorbed by my own world of problems and stresses, to the point where it can be hard to get out and do anything. I turn inward, and when presented with a new opportunity or activity, an inner voice cries “What’s the point? Why even bother? What difference will it make?” This voice, if listened to, can paralyze us into inaction. It wants us to become complacent, or even worse, to wallow in self-pity and despair. The best way I’ve found to counter this voice is to get out and do some service work. This type of work in particular can help you feel connected with others, regain a feeling of purpose, and help you get out of your head.

There’s something about uniting for a greater good that makes us feel connected with other people. Whether it’s fellow volunteers or the group/community you’re providing service for, you have at least a vague awareness that what you’re doing is benefiting another person. I’ve found this is a great method of pulling myself out of a funk. My problems melt away as I remind myself that I’m surrounded by so many others who might need something I have to offer. Volunteering also reminds us that inspiration comes in many forms. Although volunteer work at times seems unglamorous, it can invoke an overwhelming sense of gratitude and belonging. And, if you happen to be feeling down, “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up” (Mark Twain).

While you’re helping make the lives of others better, you’re also reminded that there is so much more. We all have bad days- car problems, stress at work, or generally just feeling low- it’s just part of being human. The great thing is that we have complete control over how we react to these situations. We can pull away from the world and wrap ourselves up a self-pity blanket, or we can reach out and grab onto something larger. That’s not to say your problems are not real or upsetting- you should never minimize your emotions. I know when the world is throwing a lot at me and I want to crumble, sometimes my reaction is to think that ultimately, I don’t matter and there’s no point. Volunteer work is a perfect counter to such thoughts: “Devote yourself to the community around you and devote yourself to something that gives you purpose & meaning” (Mitch Albom).

Creating Wish for the Sky (http://wishforthesky.com/) was my solution to a life-changing situation, and it brings me joy to bring a bit of joy into the lives of others. Doing something selfless for another, no matter how small it may seem at the time, can make a huge difference in someone else’s life. I also hope that it inspires my children to do similar work! It’s the best way I’ve discovered to get out of a rut, and you never know what else you’ll gain along the way!

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach” -W.E.B. DuBois


One of the most terrifying things about raising children is that you have a constant audience. Whether you realize it or not, your children watch you from day one. They’re picking up on your actions, and we only really notice when it gets parrotted back to us. Maybe you catch someone trying to put on lipstick, stomp around in someone else’s shoes, or repeat a word that you really hoped they didn’t hear. It’s in those moments that you realize how much of an impact you have on them. You’re their role model, their example of what it is to be an adult and be human. Like I said, terrifying. We are so aware of our perceived faults and inadequacies, it’s difficult to take a step back and remember that to our children, we are the example.


Just because we have a constant audience doesn’t mean we need to bear the burden of trying to be perfect all the time. This can do more harm than good, because we’ll inevitably fall short (to our own chagrin). Seeking perfection is a journey with no destination, an impossible task. It’s okay to be flawed, as long as you have a positive attitude, treat yourself and others with kindness and respect, and simply do the best you can with what you have- that’s what really matters. “There is no school equal to a decent home and no teacher equal to a virtuous parent” Mahatma Gandhi


One overlooked aspect of parenting is the relationship we have with ourselves. You know the saying “You can’t feed others from an empty cupboard?” It’s true- if you don’t at least have a little love to give yourself, where will you find it for others? Another difficult truth- children will notice if you do not have a positive relationship with yourself, and this sometimes shapes their own concepts of self-love. It’s an instance of leading by example, like telling our kids to wear their seatbelts- it’s probably a good idea to put our own seatbelt on, as well. Along those lines, we can tell our kids it’s important to love yourself, but it doesn’t carry a lot of weight if we’re not demonstrating it. It’s all a learning process: “It’s not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.” -Joyce Maynard


Although at times it seems as though your children never listen, they are certainly always watching: “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them”- James Baldwin. We may not be perfect role models for our children all the time, but if we are mindful about our words and actions on a daily basis, we can provide them with dedicated parents worth imitating from time to time.

PLANNED SPONTANEITY

“One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure”- William Feather


When was the last time you did something on a whim? If you’re like most adults, it’s probably been awhile since you did something unplanned, simply for the fun of it. As we get older and responsibilities increase, it becomes harder to do things spur of the moment. Unfortunately, many people equate adulthood/marriage/kids with no longer being able to go out and have fun any longer. Rather than resigning to a rigidly scheduled life, I suggest compromising. This is a sort of “How to have your cake and eat it, too” blog post on creating space for adventure while balancing your responsibilities.


50% planning. When it comes to balancing daily responsibilities (kids, work, etc.), you probably have 95% of the day planned out (the other 5% being the inevitable unexpected). The 50% rule is a way of carving out a spontaneous getaway that requires 50% of usual planning. This means reserving time in advance for being unavailable, even if you aren’t entirely sure what you’re doing. This way, people (employers/employees, for example) can go about their own week without being disrupted by you being gone. Another element of 50% planning is preparation. Bring anything that might be useful, like money, water, food, blankets, extra clothes-this is especially important when you’re involving children in the spontaneity. And that’s all there is to it. Once you’ve gathered supplies and blocked off some time, be it a weekend or long week, you have 50% planned. The rest is for figuring out as you go.


Dedicated times. One of my friends is overcommitted, to the point where I am not entirely convinced that she has time to sleep at night. Frustrated that she never got to do anything off the cuff, she finally analyzed her schedule and carved out 1-2 hours every Wednesday evening to do something spontaneous. Scheduling spontaneity seems counterintuitive, but if you have other schedules to juggle in addition to your own, it’s a compromise of sorts. If you have an hour a week where nothing else is going on, when the kids are all at various practices or schools or you can actually leave work on time, make it a time for something spontaneous. Go hang out at a coffee shop you’ve never been to before, take a walk, try to teach yourself a dance by watching YouTube tutorials- anything you can think of.






Being in the moment. Spontaneity doesn’t have to be a grand ordeal. You can incorporate smaller, bite-sized bits of whimsy into your everyday life. The key to this is being present. Opportunities arise when you start paying attention to what is surrounding you. For instance, maybe your morning routine involves going out and getting a coffee at the same spot. Why not try out a new place one day a week? Noticing little parts of your routine that are opportunities for something new can keep things interesting without being overwhelming.


Growing up and accepting new responsibilities requires us to change our lifestyle. While we may not be able to travel or even go out to dinner at the drop of a hat, it doesn’t mean we can’t still have fun. Our adventures change shape and direction, but they aren’t lost forever: “Adventure is not outside man; it is within” (George Eliot).