THOUGHTS ON EXPRESSING GRATITUDE

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, it is the parent of all others”- Cicero

Gratitude lists and journals are often suggested as a “pick me up” for people to get out of their own head. It’s a great exercise, and many people report that it works. The idea is to actively acknowledge what we are grateful for, which will help bring those positive feelings to our awareness and shift our mindset from the negative to the positive. Doing something every day to express gratitude- whether it’s using a gratitude journal, calling someone to thank them for their presence in your life, or simply saying “thank you” can help shift your mood.

The first step in expressing gratitude is to tap into the things you are grateful for, no matter how simple or trivial. Like anything else, this might require a bit of practice, and if you’re having a particularly difficult time in general, it may take a bit more work.

The next step is to find a way to channel it: “Gratitude requires awareness and effort not only to feel it but to express it” Bonnie D. Parkin. Some ideas for expressing gratitude include journaling, writing a letter, making a phone call, or paying it forward somehow. Gratitude journals have gained a lot of popularity recently (after all, Oprah has one!). If you decide to go that route, it’s recommended to make an entry 1-3 times a week. It doesn’t necessarily need to be an every day thing. Be diligent but don’t make it a chore- otherwise you risk making it a chore. You should set aside some time each day to write in your gratitude journal, but give yourself a range of items rather than a set amount (like 3-5). If you have more, great- don’t put a cap on it!

Why express gratitude? Anne Lamott explains it in this quote: “Gratitude is peace.” Having and showing gratitude have been linked to increased positive feelings, including optimism. In the wake of a terrible day, just being aware that you have a few things to be grateful for can give you a surge of good feelings- enough to know that it will all turn out alright, no matter what is happening at this moment: “When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change” (Dr. Wayne Dyer). Expressing gratitude can also increase our feelings of interconnectedness. No matter what method you choose- writing, praying, speaking to another- you sometimes experience a surge of compassion for certain people in your life. If that’s the case, you may even want to reach out to them and let them know!Expressing gratitude is an easy way to snap out of a bad mood. It also allows you to foster feelings of optimism, goodwill, connection, and overall positivity. Another bonus of gratitude is that it can be expressed in a variety of ways. I’ve given some examples above, but trust me- there are many more! If you cannot find anything to be grateful for, consider this quote: “Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude” (Ralph Waldo Emerson).

THE POWER OF READING

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go”- Dr. Seuss

Last Wednesday was Dr. Seuss’ birthday. As a once-upon-a-time child and current mother, Dr. Seuss has been an influence on my life and countless others. “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” may be one of his more quotable books, in my opinion. The nostalgia of being read to as a child, and this quote in particular, have me reflecting on the importance of reading to a child. Children learn the value of reading from adults, and what better place to start than in their own homes? Setting aside time to read together as a family serves a few different purposes. It teaches children the value of reading, encourages time spent bonding as a family, and there are plenty of resources for getting started.

“Children are made readers in the laps of their parents” Emilie Buchwald. Reading to children is incredibly beneficial, and it all starts at home. This is where they’ll learn the value of reading and depending how old they are, actually start learning how to read. Once they start going to school, they have an advantage over others. According to this study from the NEA “Twenty six percent of children who were read to three to four times in the last week by a family member recognized all the letters of the alphabet.” This is compared to 14% of children who were read to less frequently or not at all. It probably isn’t surprising that success in school begins at home.

Reading to children early on does more than set them up for academic success. Fostering an an early interest in reading sets children up for a lifelong adventure: “To learn to read is to light a fire, every syllable that is spelled out is a spark” (Victor Hugo). Being able to access books, newspapers, and all other types of literature opens up new worlds and ways of thinking that, without reading, would have been inaccessible. Think of your favorite childhood books and the places those stories would transport you in your imagination- what a priceless gift to impart to a younger generation!

If you think about it, reading to your kids can be boiled down to one thing: spending time together. Taking away all the facts about better grades or higher SAT scores, picking up a book and reading to a child can simply just be a way to spend time with one another. Giving the gift of our time and attention is one of the best things we can do for our children (or the children in our lives): “One of the greatest gifts adults can give - to their offspring and to society- is to read to children” Carl Sagan.

If you aren't sure where to start with books to read, head to your local library. They are usually very helpful when it comes to recommendations and children's reading. Many have programs for early readers, too. When all else fails, there are plenty of online resources to check out for book ideas.

If you aren’t sure where to start with books to read, head to your local library. They are usually very helpful when it comes to recommendations and children’s reading. Many have programs for early readers, too. When all else fails, there are plenty of internet resources and blogs to check out for book ideas. This list from Parenting is a great starting point. Or, start with your favorite book from when you were a kid! No matter what you decide, it’s a small way to make a big difference.

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach” -W.E.B. DuBois


One of the most terrifying things about raising children is that you have a constant audience. Whether you realize it or not, your children watch you from day one. They’re picking up on your actions, and we only really notice when it gets parrotted back to us. Maybe you catch someone trying to put on lipstick, stomp around in someone else’s shoes, or repeat a word that you really hoped they didn’t hear. It’s in those moments that you realize how much of an impact you have on them. You’re their role model, their example of what it is to be an adult and be human. Like I said, terrifying. We are so aware of our perceived faults and inadequacies, it’s difficult to take a step back and remember that to our children, we are the example.


Just because we have a constant audience doesn’t mean we need to bear the burden of trying to be perfect all the time. This can do more harm than good, because we’ll inevitably fall short (to our own chagrin). Seeking perfection is a journey with no destination, an impossible task. It’s okay to be flawed, as long as you have a positive attitude, treat yourself and others with kindness and respect, and simply do the best you can with what you have- that’s what really matters. “There is no school equal to a decent home and no teacher equal to a virtuous parent” Mahatma Gandhi


One overlooked aspect of parenting is the relationship we have with ourselves. You know the saying “You can’t feed others from an empty cupboard?” It’s true- if you don’t at least have a little love to give yourself, where will you find it for others? Another difficult truth- children will notice if you do not have a positive relationship with yourself, and this sometimes shapes their own concepts of self-love. It’s an instance of leading by example, like telling our kids to wear their seatbelts- it’s probably a good idea to put our own seatbelt on, as well. Along those lines, we can tell our kids it’s important to love yourself, but it doesn’t carry a lot of weight if we’re not demonstrating it. It’s all a learning process: “It’s not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.” -Joyce Maynard


Although at times it seems as though your children never listen, they are certainly always watching: “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them”- James Baldwin. We may not be perfect role models for our children all the time, but if we are mindful about our words and actions on a daily basis, we can provide them with dedicated parents worth imitating from time to time.

PLANNED SPONTANEITY

“One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure”- William Feather


When was the last time you did something on a whim? If you’re like most adults, it’s probably been awhile since you did something unplanned, simply for the fun of it. As we get older and responsibilities increase, it becomes harder to do things spur of the moment. Unfortunately, many people equate adulthood/marriage/kids with no longer being able to go out and have fun any longer. Rather than resigning to a rigidly scheduled life, I suggest compromising. This is a sort of “How to have your cake and eat it, too” blog post on creating space for adventure while balancing your responsibilities.


50% planning. When it comes to balancing daily responsibilities (kids, work, etc.), you probably have 95% of the day planned out (the other 5% being the inevitable unexpected). The 50% rule is a way of carving out a spontaneous getaway that requires 50% of usual planning. This means reserving time in advance for being unavailable, even if you aren’t entirely sure what you’re doing. This way, people (employers/employees, for example) can go about their own week without being disrupted by you being gone. Another element of 50% planning is preparation. Bring anything that might be useful, like money, water, food, blankets, extra clothes-this is especially important when you’re involving children in the spontaneity. And that’s all there is to it. Once you’ve gathered supplies and blocked off some time, be it a weekend or long week, you have 50% planned. The rest is for figuring out as you go.


Dedicated times. One of my friends is overcommitted, to the point where I am not entirely convinced that she has time to sleep at night. Frustrated that she never got to do anything off the cuff, she finally analyzed her schedule and carved out 1-2 hours every Wednesday evening to do something spontaneous. Scheduling spontaneity seems counterintuitive, but if you have other schedules to juggle in addition to your own, it’s a compromise of sorts. If you have an hour a week where nothing else is going on, when the kids are all at various practices or schools or you can actually leave work on time, make it a time for something spontaneous. Go hang out at a coffee shop you’ve never been to before, take a walk, try to teach yourself a dance by watching YouTube tutorials- anything you can think of.






Being in the moment. Spontaneity doesn’t have to be a grand ordeal. You can incorporate smaller, bite-sized bits of whimsy into your everyday life. The key to this is being present. Opportunities arise when you start paying attention to what is surrounding you. For instance, maybe your morning routine involves going out and getting a coffee at the same spot. Why not try out a new place one day a week? Noticing little parts of your routine that are opportunities for something new can keep things interesting without being overwhelming.


Growing up and accepting new responsibilities requires us to change our lifestyle. While we may not be able to travel or even go out to dinner at the drop of a hat, it doesn’t mean we can’t still have fun. Our adventures change shape and direction, but they aren’t lost forever: “Adventure is not outside man; it is within” (George Eliot).

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

 “Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine” Lord Byron

Laughing is one of the best things you can do for your body.

According to a study by Dr. Robin Dunbar a few years ago, there is something about the physical action of laughing that triggers endorphin release, even to the point of creating resistance to pain. Matt LeBlanc refers to it as “nature’s Neosporin.” It has also been proven to lower stress. Perhaps you’ve heard that if you’re upset, the act of smiling will make you feel happier. Well, laughing has a similar effect, but it’s like using a jetpack to get there. I can’t say that it burns a certain number of calories or that you’ll get 6-pack abs by laughing for 8 hours straight (which is more appealing than crunches), it does cause a significant mood boost. There’s no quicker cure for a case of the blues like a good belly-laugh.

Laughter is also universal, transcending language and cultural barriers. In fact, some believe that it’s a form of communication- in sharing laughter with someone, we’re expressing approval. History, race, culture, language, and everything else melts away: “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people” (Victor Borge). Ever gotten in a ridiculous giggling fit with a friend? Most of the time, you probably don’t even remember what you’re laughing about. Laughter is contagious, especially when it’s a friend or loved one. According to BBC News, we are “30 times more likely to laugh at something when we’re with other people.”

Not only is laughter contagious, it acts as a bonding agent. How often is laughter used to alleviate tension in an awkward situation? Another example is inside jokes among friends. Inside jokes are like glue to friendship. In fact, many of the friendships I’ve built over the years were born in laughter. It is probably a combination of shared experience and the ever powerful endorphin release that gets associated with those particular people. These jokes usually aren’t funny on their own merit without context. When you try to share with someone else, it results in you saying “Oh, maybe you had to be there…” The BBC study mentioned above maintains that “The science of laughter is telling us that laughter has less to do with jokes and more a social behavior which we use to show people that we like them and that we understand them.”

Finally, “If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.” In addition to being cheap medicine, laughter has the benefit of being readily available. Even if you just laugh to yourself in your car, it’s a guaranteed to make you feel better (although it might seem strange to any potential onlookers). You can always find people to laugh with, something to laugh about, and a little bit of time in your day to sprinkle in some laughter. As Charlie Chaplin famously said, “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” So take some time to laugh a little (or a lot) today, and share it with someone else if you can. 


NOT YOUR TYPICAL NEW YEAR'S BLOG

This isn’t your typical New Year’s blog.

Of course, you probably gathered that based on the fact that it’s now almost 3 weeks into 2016, after all the usual hubbub around the topic has died down and the gym is leveling off to it’s usual number of attendees. Do you feel yourself loosening your grip on those goals you made for yourself in December? Why has your resolve eased up? I have a few theories about why resolutions fall through in the first part of the year.

Sometimes, our New Year’s Resolutions are overly ambitious or reflect long-term changes. When the end of January rolls around and we haven’t noticed any progress, it’s discouraging. Slowly but surely, we slip back into our old habits and patterns, back into the comfort zone of old patterns and behaviors. Part of the problem is modern society’s need for instant gratification. If your goals were something along the lines of lose weight or save money, you aren’t going to see leaps and bounds of progress in only one month (at least, not if you are using a healthy approach). Keep your timeline in perspective- New Year’s Resolutions aren’t supposed to be resolved in the first month or two of the year!

Maybe you started off the new year with a bang, and are now petering off. Instead of feeling guilty about this loss of zeal, it might be possible that your approach wasn’t sustainable. Remember to be relentless (and realistic) about your goals, but flexible about your methods. Life is going to throw you curveballs, so let your plans go with the flow (without losing sight of your goal, of course)!
Another common New Year’s Resolution rut comes from making goals that are a bit too ambitious. There’s a fine line between challenging yourself and creating an impossible task. Your goals don’t have to be dramatic, like “run a 5 minute mile” or “make a million dollars.” As long as you’re actively attempting to increase your health and happiness, your goals are just fine. Benjamin Franklin once said “Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better person.” As long as you can look at yourself a year from now and be able to see and appreciate the personal growth that has taken place, let that be enough. “Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending” (Carl Bard).

So what if you missed the mark on January 1st? It’s just a date, after all- now is the perfect time to start!

Whatever you do, don’t give up! So what if you already stopped going to the gym for a week or missed your budget mark by going to the movies last week. You slipped, you fell down, but it doesn’t mean you should give up on the rest of the game. You might have to do some recalculating, either readjusting your mindset (instant gratification syndrome), your methods, or your goals (if they are overreaching) are some places to start.

AUTHENTICITY?!?

Do you ever feel that you’re wearing a mask or smothering who you really are? Well, you aren’t alone. Thousands of people do the same thing every day (and you may just not notice because hey, they’re doing a great job of hiding it). Why do we hide from ourselves? Perhaps the most common reason is for approval: we all want to be liked, right? And, with the rise of social media and other online “masks,” it’s fairly easy to create a false perception of ourselves. Maybe we believe it’ll bring us happiness, or something along those lines. The truth of the matter is, we are all unique individuals and embracing who we truly are is probably one of the most liberating things we can do for ourselves. Even renowned psychologist Carl Jung once stated that “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

There’s the day-to-day stifling- when we stop ourselves from saying or doing something because we are afraid of another’s judgment. Unless it’s harmful to another person (following the whole “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” rule we’ve all heard), there’s no reason why you should minimize your own feelings because of someone else: “Don’t try to please others at the expense of your values and your integrity. 

At the end of the day, you want to like yourself when you look in a mirror” (Millen Livis). A common example of this is in schools, when a child will go against what he/she feels is right in order to fit in with a group. Adults exhibit the same behavior. Being inauthentic doesn’t just harm us, it can harm others (directly or indirectly).

Another way of suffocating one’s self involves wishing we were more (or entirely) like someone else. Today, we tend to compare ourselves to what we see on t.v. or social media, even if we know it’s not realistic. 9 times out of 10, when we measure ourselves in this way, we come up short. “Ah,” we sigh, “I wish I could be more like that…” But what does being more like “that” accomplish? I’m guilty of this, but I don’t have an answer for it, either. 

What I do know is that once you become “more like that,” you’re still dissatisfied. There will always be something just beyond your reach, another “that” to aspire towards. It’s as though you’re chasing something that’s forever out of reach, which is a silly way to spend one’s time. “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are”- there is no one else in the world like you, so why stifle yourself?

As it turns out, pretending to be someone we aren’t can have some serious side effects on our health: “If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief” (Brene Brown). It may take some time and practice, but only you can stop minimizing your feelings, speak up when your gut tells you to, and learn to love the things that are amazing about you.